The retreat was amazing. I had such a lovely time and felt cuddled in a blanket of love and acceptance that I get nowhere else. It’s a scene of no hidden agendas and wide open hearts. I hope I give out as much as I receive when I’m there! I didn’t cry during the whole retreat which is absolutely unusual for me. Each year has seen a step by step progression of release and understanding and forgiveness of both myself and others in my life. This time, I felt calm and serene the whole time with no burning need to rehash or resolve anything. There was a real sense of quietness and peace inside. I’m good! Well, I was at the moment.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to chat with some friends who happen to be JW. I like them a lot and they’ve been very sweet and have never pushed their religion on me in the year that I’ve known them. They asked me where I went when I was gone, and yes, I edited what I told them when they asked me what the retreat was about. I told them it’s basically about our own personal growth, which in turn, emanates out to and positively affects the world. I told them it was a virtual lovefest with no hidden agendas, and I love those people. I said I had changed a lot since the first one four years ago.
Then they asked me how I had changed. And that led to how I repressed myself in my marriage and about my loud, abusive, angry childhood. And as I talked, I got all emotional and geez, tears came. WTH! I thought I had resolved all this baggage. Why am I crying now? Where is all this emotion coming from? I didn’t cry at the retreat! When I’ve talked about my past lately, I haven’t welled up at all. Or felt sad like I did yesterday. And I did not want to cry in front of them!
So between the religion thing I was navigating because I knew they would be weirded out over the channeling thing (fixing my fears?*) and my grief welling up over my long marriage, yesterday was a day of working through things. Not done with either yet.
My friends felt they needed to give me their latest pamphlet (which they never have pushed before) when they left. I must have looked funny when she handed me the pamphlet while saying, what 3 things would you ask God if you could? In my head, it was, what do you mean if I could?? So, I answered, I talk to him every day. We have conversations all the time. Her husband looked befuddled when I looked over at that point. But my statement stopped her from continuing because she didn’t know how to answer that lol. All she said was, good. We exchanged hugs and they left. Afterwards, I found the answer in me to the next time they try to give me the literature I don’t want, so that’s progress.
I am choosing to focus on their kindness and love as the reflections of me, as Me, because everything physicalized is an aspect of Me after all. And since I still have aspects that believe I am doing things the “right” way, I am also seeing how those parts of them that believe their way is the best way are also Me. It’s a fascinating exploration.
The marriage grief. I may need some more help with that one. Where is this coming from? I can’t get a handle on why it flared up when I really believed I had moved through it. I have cried and vented and processed for a very long time and had felt at peace with it for the last few months. However, I’m pretty sure it’s still unhealed core emotion stuff.
*Fixing your fears: this was a prime topic we explored at the retreat. Here is a video from the Visionaries to help explain the concept. The part where they start talking about fixing fears specifically starts at 3:00 min.