I believe we all have beautiful lights usually hidden inside under the mud of life we have accumulated just by virtue of living on this planet. Sometimes it takes someone else to show us that. I would love to help others see their own glowing soul that lives quietly inside them by shining the light on my own journey.
This blog has come about because I like to write and wanted to do so at my leisure without trying to fit the parameters of an entire group forum. I am a wordy person. I love words and an editor would have a field day with me. Sometimes I write something that I think flows well, and if I reread it later, I may want to edit the whole darn thing. It’s a work in progress in here as I teach myself to be a better writer. I do try to edit – somehow it just gets longer. 🙂
Here my goal is to share what I have learned along the rocky life path I have followed, the good and the “bad”, and the happy and the sad, plus messages from others that resonate with me or I believe will resonate with readers.
Here I share my own personal journey of transformation.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a 50-something, quiet introvert, and only in the last ten years or so have I really gotten “smart”. Right….if you believe that, I have some swamp land in Florida to sell you. I thought I was ever so smart when I was younger, and logically I knew how to do things and how things “should” be run, but in reality no, I didn’t know much at all. I had and still have lots to learn. I was not listening to the most important part of me, my heart and soul. Instead I let my human brain run the entire show.
I am married and have been for a long time to my high school sweetheart. I am on a spiritual path that my spouse does not share, and being married was a challenge for many reasons, even before I started to do any exploring. Recently I made the decision to leave the marriage and forge my own path. I could not compromise who I was anymore and I had to go for my own peace of mind. It took me twenty years to come to this difficult decision but it feels right for me at this time. My desire is for us to remain friends because we share a history and a family together and that seems to working out. No divorce yet. But I am on my own living in a new country and loving this part of the journey, highly uncertain as it is.
I have two grown kids, a boy and girl, and two grandkids. Being adopted myself, my children mean the world to me. They have my dna in them when no one else I know does. I was adopted in the time of sealed adoption records and was unable to access much useful information about my biological family. My kids let me know how it feels to be connected in that biological way, and now my grandkids carry on our dna. Having children was the beginning of remembering how to truly love because I felt like I never really knew how to do that until they were born.
I was a foster child, a truly unhappy, abusive experience, for four years from ages 8-12 and then ended up in an adopted home with an alcoholic, abusive father. My childhood was filled with violence and fear, but somehow I came it through fairly intact with a deep sense of knowing I deserved better. I learned a lot from the experience.
I adore animals. You won’t ever find me long without a companion animal or two or three. I have always had a real deep connection with them and they seem to gravitate towards me wherever I am.
I am not “religious.” The church, for me, felt like such a fake. I tried for a long time to go along with the program at church, but I just did not resonate with what I felt were the phony rituals and contradictory teachings that were a part of church life. It seemed as though the people who did these rituals did not practice what they preached. It always felt like everything was based on the money the church could suck out of us and the guilt they used to control people. The people I knew who attended church talked the talk, but didn’t walk the walk as far as I was concerned, and I never felt welcomed or a true part of it. I didn’t fit. So as an adult, I stopped going.
When my children became teens, they explored and tested limits all the time, normal stuff. But I got to the point where I just couldn’t figure out how to parent anymore. I had believed I was a good parent, but I was lost by that point with little support. My husband always worked long hours, 7 days a week, and basically I was a single parent and he was very little help.
One night, in despair, I threw my hands up in the air and cried out about my then seventeen year old son, God, you take him, I can’t do it anymore, he’s yours. I am done [worrying and crying]!! And I handed my son over to be watched over by whoever else could and would do it, angels, God, the Universe, it didn’t matter, I was done. I could do no more than I already had. I let go of the worrying, for it did me no good, and let go of the guilt that I was failing. I realised I had done the best I knew how and that my son was making his own poor choices and this was something he needed to experience on his own path. A load fell off my shoulders that night. It was palpable. Then I went to bed and slept the best I had slept in months. It was two years more before he was jolted into making changes.
My daughter, as anyone who knows me knows, is my best friend. Since she was little, we have been buddies who laughed and shopped and vacationed and talked together. Now that she is in her thirties, she is busy but the connection is still strong. As adults, both my kids have grown into awesome people, loving, compassionate, and smart and wise. They’re the best things I ever helped to create.
During the same time period of my children’s teen years, I became deeply interested in the paranormal and started reading every book I could find on the subject. In high school, I became a huge fan of sci-fi and read all the books in the school and local libraries about other worlds. That interest has never waned. I can see now that this was the awakening of my fascination with things outside of “normal” life. I once saw a show with Sylvia Browne on it and after that, I was compelled to collect and read every book of hers. My eyes were opened. When other spiritual teachers and psychics came on tv or I ran across a different spiritual author, I was fascinated. I moved on to one book, one teacher after another, and I started learning so much about me and about life. Each thing I read lead to another, and step by step I grew.
My heart had heard the call and my soul made me stop and pay attention.
I knew I needed to change something, to become a better person, to be who I am meant to be, to become whole because my life was not working as it was. I had lost any passion for the way I was living, and something needed to change. That meant me. I had found the road to my true spiritual self. I had found my own path. I had found what resonated with my soul. I had found my way Home.
I was a sponge. I explored writings about life beyond the physical vessel and writings about our inner world. It took me a year, but I finally figured out how to meditate and calm down this busy mind of mine with that practice. What a difference that made! I found and practiced different ways to heal my emotional wounds. I found online mentors and spiritual teachers who have expanded my understanding of what life really is about. I also explored alternative healing therapies for physical ailments. I found a love of nature’s wisdom, crystals, tarot and every day symbolism. I continue to grow in understanding daily.
At the beginning of my journey, I joined several spiritual groups at msn so I could connect with others of like mind. Since I could find no one in my sphere here at home who believed like me, it was awesome to find others who thought and felt like I did. I was a member of two groups by the time msn shut them down, and somehow I ended up as the leader in our new one at yuku (now closed). In those groups, I learned a lot. I found that I am psychic/intuitive/empathic myself and so I learned to trust the messages I receive for myself and others. I practiced that at first with Tarot and then with open readings with the encouragement of those past group members. I do “see” things but mostly I just “know” things. It’s been quite a process but very exciting as well to feel that connection expand.
As a result of all this learning and studying, I was able to accept and understand my childrens’ choices, though at times, I may not have liked them or wished they had chosen differently. I learned not to take things personally. Same with my husband.
As for myself, I was able to understand my childhood and why my life is the way it is now. I know that life is far grander than we imagine. I was able to forgive myself and others. Understanding that I am a creator of my own life, and that there are positive things to learn from these creations tends to delete the angst of living. I am a Creator not a Victim, and I can always make a new choice. Along the way I have finally begun how to love who I AM (not an easy task for humans since we know ourselves so well!).
All this I am still working on, but growth is a fact of life and I don’t begrudge it nor do I want to stop. Obviously I am a work in progress, but aren’t we all? Three steps forward and one back at times, but it’s still progress. Awareness is the biggest factor affecting growth and these days, I am quite aware of the many learning opportunities I create in my life. Plus, I am extremely thankful to have lots of help and guidance from my many friends and teachers along the way.
This is who I am and why I write. If it resonates and brings clarity to someone, that’s great. In any case, it’s cathartic for me to write. Either way, it’s all good.
Please enjoy my blog and feel free to add comments.