I’ve had this in drafts for several days. It didn’t feel ready to post until now.
Last night I did a conference call with Erin Mackley and on it I got some real answers as to why I’ve felt unsure of what’s next for me. I’ve made so many changes in the last year, and the field feels wide open, so wide I am unsure of my direction. Which way do I go? The message for me was that there is still some baggage I’m carrying around that is preventing a move to the next level of ascension, and that level is where my next steps are revealed, when I am clear enough to hear them. Erin called them the “missing puzzle pieces” I have been really, really wanting to find. It was very loud to her, she said, my wanting to know my purpose or calling or next steps. Clear the remaining baggage first, I was told.
Here is the piece I previously wrote and it certainly ties into last night’s session:
As you may remember, I have returned to the East coast for a visit with family and friends after turning my life upside down last year. The first two weeks back have been an interesting and enlightening experience. Thankfully, for the most part, I am able to stay true to who I AM with much greater ease, mostly due to the teachings of Eloheim via Veronica Torres. (Letting go of baggage has been a huge part of their teachings. See above.)
It has taken me a ton of work, clearing lots of emotional baggage, and many teachers to get to this place of authenticity, years, in fact. Years of practice learning to love myself in spite of my human “faults” or desires. Years of practice letting go of beliefs and expectations. So now, instead of falling back on old habits, it’s easier to stay in that lovely, loving, wise-feeling center of me, to stay connected to my guidance and higher self.
It is becoming more natural to act and react with the Current Version of Me* instead of the Past Version of Me (who was always frustrated or upset, it seems), and though sometimes I need to readjust my thoughts, I catch the wandering ones quicker than ever. It’s all about being conscious instead of habitual these days. And then most importantly, not being mean to myself if I don’t remember to use what I’ve learned! I have needed this level of consciousness to be in the old energies and still continue to feel good about myself.
My visit to the old homestead has certainly tested the strength of the Current Version of Me. And I have found it to be resilient. Yay me! Current Version of Me is a much more confident and happier version than Old Me. The current version of me knows it’s not “wrong” or “misguided” to want what I want and to follow up on it. She no longer walks around all the time feeling angry or apologetic or apprehensive about not being onboard with others’ programs. A year away has really spurred my growth. This current version of me trusts in her connection to her inner being and doesn’t second guess her decisions, a total turnaround from old me.
Along the way, I am being shown what still needs to be tweaked and how truly different I am at the same time. I am much better but still tweaking how I handle or feel about confrontations and when speaking my truth to those who may not understand. Yet I am and feel like a different person this go round. I am much more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. When I stopped in to see some of my old work friends the other day, they kept saying how good and how happy I looked. I smiled wider. Nice to hear the growth shows.
Specifically, this visit has revealed a few touch points in me I thought I had resolved. Navigating the waters of my in-law family dynamics triggered unexpected emotions when I went (by invitation) to a family function the first week I was here. These areas are surprisingly still a bit tender in me. Since I have a 40-year relationship with them, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when the tears welled up as I walked in. It took time to build the old relationship, and it will take time and practice to build a new/non-relationship. Their choice. I’m open to either. But I will continue to explore a little more with my inner being regarding these tender spots.
However, at this point, I feel calm about things instead of brokenhearted. There’s a peace in me about this area of my past life that wasn’t there before. This time I can recognize and have compassion for, not only myself, but those stuck in the old energies and belief systems – like many here still are and will probably remain in for the rest of their lives. Current Me is much more aware. Change and uncertainty is scary, I know. Choosing to remain in “familiar suffering”¹ rather than attempting something new and unpredictable feels like the safer option. It’s not necessarily a healthier option, it just feels safer. There’s such a heavy and depressed feel to the energy in this region, full of complaints and judgments and Eeyore traits that I often find myself wanting to go take a shower after being in it for awhile! That’s when I use the “blue bubble tool”² and take an energetic shower instead. And I definitely used this tool during my visit with the in-laws last weekend, along with removing myself to another room to regain my composure. Life “is the way it is” for them, and they feel there is nothing they or anybody else can or should do to change it. I went against all beliefs and expectations when I made the decision to change my life completely. I certainly am thrilled not to be living smack dab in the midst of these heavy energies any longer. So while being here may touch on the still tender areas tied to their reactions to my decisions, I am grateful at the same time to have finally made other, more courageous and nourishing choices for myself. This visit has shown me where I still have a bit more healing to do.
Being able to spend time with my kids, grandkids, and my kitties, all of whom are very pleased to have me here, is a joy. I am happily replenishing my “kid and kitty cup”. This was a major part of my past life and I admit I have missed being with them a lot. None of them are very proficient at staying in contact over the internet (even the kitties ignore me on Skype!) so I don’t get to chat with them very often when I’m in Panama, much less hug anyone! So I am doing that with daily chats and hugs as much as possible while I am here. I got to watch my granddaughter march in her first parade this past Saturday. She is a sixth grader who got tapped to play in the upper level band this year and that was a milestone I was happy to see. She was easy to spot being the shortest one in the line lol. My daughter got invited to spend this week in Vegas with her boyfriend and two other friends so I have the privilege of staying with the grandkids at their house. Talk about being plunged back into the busy life of two adolescents! But I am thrilled to be able to do it, for all of them and myself.
I find myself not needing to see all my old friends during this visit and have spent most of my time a bit cocooned with my close family. I do have 5 or 6 more weeks here so it’s likely I will venture out to see a few of the others before I return to Panama. There are folks in this area I certainly would like to visit before I go back.
While I am loving every minute with my kids and grandkids, my Panama is still calling me, my place there, the friends I’ve made, my lovely neighbors, the activities, and the climate. I will be glad to go back next month. It feels like home now, at least my home for this period in my life.
~Confirmation and some wisdom from my horoscope on The Cosmic Path this week: “The week begins with more veil lifting and a greater sense of understanding of your journey, and it ends with many shifts and changes that will actually turn out to be course adjustments. Bear that in mind so you don’t allow fear to get a grip where Love now reigns supreme. There’s nothing safer than an undefended heart. Navigating the imminent turns with a sense of confidence and unwavering focus delivers you to your destination.”
*Who Answers The Door Tool (Current Version of You)– an Eloheim tool that talks about reacting to situations with the You you currently are, not the You you used to be before you learned and integrated what you now know. It’s like letting your 5-year-old self who was told they can’t have the new toy throw a fit because Current You didn’t get the job you wanted or the car you can’t afford. You’re not 5, you have a mature awareness of what’s involved in those situations and throwing a screaming fit on the floor resolves nothing! Perhaps your hurt 20-year-old whose boyfriend cheated is still running the show in relationships thirty year later even though there is no reason for the distrust. Let the current you answer these doors, not the hurt younger you.
¹Favorite Familiar Suffering– another Eloheim concept. “Familiar suffering and disappointment are like emergency brakes. The reward is that, when you put the brake on, you don”t have to deal with the challenge of the new, of uncertainty. You all engage your brains in ways that park you.”