When I was a kid, my purpose was to go to school, stay out of trouble, grow up, and get the hell out of the childhood I was in, in as best a shape as I could manage, and perhaps, have a little fun along the way.
When I was in college, my purpose was to get through the classes, work and pay for my education, and graduate with a degree, any degree. Serious business.
When I got married and had kids, that became my passion and purpose. But the kids had minds of their own, and they had audacity to grow up and move out!
At that point in my life, I began to feel rudderless. I began to question everything. My reason for being was melting away. All my reasons for being had disappeared. Including a marriage that had dissolved into routine with no intimate connection. Since I had placed my reasons for existence on the pursuit of what others expected of me and on my love for my children, I felt totally lost. Now what? What am I supposed to do now??
I suppose this is where the “midlife crisis” appears. Some find lovers, some buy fancy cars, some pursue the perfect body. Some have a major medical crisis. Some do all of the above! My crisis took the form of personal growth. I couldn’t hide from myself any longer. I distinctly remember the day I had a meltdown and sat in a chair in the living room, crying, feeling so lost and completely alone. The discovery of my own inner unsteadiness, the feeling of being nothing, the feeling of a big, black hole inside me and not knowing what to do about it was overwhelming. At the time, I was watching a talk show and that guest was the spark that ignited my next step. The necessity of my own inner evolution became my prime focus and I was a bulldog about it. I needed to excavate and explore my inner self. I needed to learn to forgive myself and others, and most of all, I really needed to figure out how to love myself. To love myself without judgement.
And so, I fell passionately in love with the world of spiritual growth. My physical and outer life took a backseat to this impassioned excavation of self. Who the heck am I and what is my purpose? What is my life about? That was what drove me.
One of my favorite stories I found along the way is about the Golden Buddha:
There is a giant statue of Buddha from 13th century Thailand that is ten foot high and solid gold. At some point, it was covered in plaster and hidden away, which kept it safe from long-ago invaders and treasure hunters. It was then lost and disregarded for many, many years. The Golden Buddha was found in 1955 when a supposedly large plaster statue of Buddha was being moved by crane to a new location. Ropes broke, the statue dropped in the mud, cracking the plaster and exposing the gold underneath. To the Monks great amazement and delight, shining underneath the disguise of plaster was the lost Golden Buddha.
I felt a connection to that story immediately. We are all Golden Buddhas, priceless, beautiful, and loved beyond measure, and our golden inner selves are often hidden. Life here on Earth has given us all kinds of mud to pack on over our golden selves for protection. Do we want to continue to live that way? Not me. I choose to polish the shine instead of hiding it. I choose to love and be love. I choose to be seen, despite parts of me occasionally trying to talk me into staying hidden and protected. I sometimes slip into old habits, but I’ve learned too much to stay stuck in them. That’s when I get out my spiritual rag and do a little clean up.
Ultimately, love is my purpose. I am love, I come from love. I experience and explore this life with love as my guide. There is nothing else. What I do with that love in my human life is my choice in each and every moment, with each and every person, and in each and every situation. It doesn’t mean as a human I know what I’m “doing” for the rest of my life. I don’t have any set plans as of yet. Maybe I never will. But plans are not purpose. I repeat. Plans are not purpose. That I do know.
The next post was the inspiration for this writing. I will share the message from the Arcturians in my next post called Love Is the Path to the 5th Dimension