Personal Notes

As background for those who don’t know, two years ago I made huge, unexpected changes in my life that upset everyone in my married family. I finally stood strong for myself, exposed the sham in my marriage, and moved to Panama with friends, maybe not to stay, maybe to open a business, maybe just to explore. I had no definite plans, I just needed to go be somewhere, be somewhere warm and away from here, and the opportunity to go there was open. Panama is full of loving, gentle, and happy people who allowed me to do the inner work I needed to do, and in the meantime, I made a lot of friends and fell in love with the country and the culture and the expats who lived there. Over the last few months there, I began to get the feeling that my time in Panama had served its purpose and was nearly done. And so my visit back here to NY is a time of more inner and outer exploration.

Questions like, how do I navigate what has been choppy waters here the last two years? And do I want to? There’s a definite reconfiguring of my relationships going on and some of it is pretty great. Where do I want to live now? What’s next for me? No decisions have been made yet. I do have to go back to retrieve the things I left in Panama and prefer to keep and also get rid of the stuff we had acquired over the last two years that I don’t need. It’s all up in the air, all uncertain.

So, Sunday there was a family celebration of my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday, and we were part of the surprise party. I have known this woman who has been my second mom since I was 17. After our interactions during my grandson’s graduation party last month, I felt good going over to their house to visit with everyone.

On the half hour drive there, the closer I got, the more I tightened up. And I floated back to the past, to the last visit I paid to that house. It was cold and super uncomfortable and I felt bad when I left. I started to get a nervous stomach and pitch stories to myself about the party. Until I realized what I was doing. Stop, I said to myself! That’s not who you are now. I took a deep breath and pulled my energy back into to my center, instead dwelling in the past and the future. I pulled back into the current version of me and back to the Now. It took some fierce doing on my part. I wrestled my hamster wheel mind and survival instincts (Eloheim concepts and tools) to the ground, a la the Warrior. I decided I am going in there as who I Am right now in this current moment of time. I am not taking the remembered Hurt Me from last time in the door. She doesn’t need to be dredged up and reconstituted. I am going to emanate the Me I know I am and just be present in the experience with no expectations and no outcome.

Frankly, I am a bit, no, not “a bit,” VERY amazed at the warm and loving reception I got. Everyone was super glad to see me. Me, standing in the current version of me, was welcomed and loved by people who had iced me out and blamed me for a lot of things. We talked, we laughed a lot, we HUGGED. Even my mother-in-law hugged me several times, on her own initiative. I was shocked at that one. I was invited to share someone’s new hot tub anytime I wanted (hell yes!), and invited to come over and told I was always welcome in each of their homes. I even got told when I asked about getting into the yard to use the hot tub when they weren’t there that “if they couldn’t trust me, who could they trust?” by the very someone who told my husband in the beginning of this change to move his account, that I might take all his money. Not what I was asking, by the way lol, just wondered if was locked. It was a complete turn around compared to last year.

I took the truth of me to the party. And it was wonderful. I sat there feeling at peace with how it had come to be. There’s an acceptance of what-is by the family that I never thought would happen. My daughter and I even did the silly-laugh-until-you-cry, don’t-look-at-me-or-I-will-start-up-again bit that we haven’t done in ages. And later she called me “a beautiful woman” to the family. That touched me. She has been so distant lately (again, I knew it wasn’t about me). I like to think of that comment as her acknowledging the truth of me. Because when we emanate the truth of us, we are beautiful.

So wonderful to see the inner work become outer manifestations. Often it feels like I’m not doing anything and this was tangible and visible progress. Feeling very good right now.

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