Personal evolution is not easy. And if anyone tells you that it is, they’re lying to you. It takes courage and persistence to look inside and transform yourself.
It seems that just when I think I got this transformation/evolution thing nailed because all has been peaceful and flowing smoothly lately, something pops up to rattle me again. Hard. I feel taken aback, react in less than a transformed manner, and find myself having to do some more inward looking because obviously, here’s another layer that’s come up to be healed.
The positive thing about hitting one of these snags is, with all that I have learned, I don’t beat myself up for these messy kinds of episodes anymore. It’s more of a, ah, I see you there and now I will apply some of the tools I’ve learned. Of course, I have to get past the initial, unhelpful reactions I have before I can get to that point but hey, at least I get there! And much quicker than ever – hours or minutes even, rather than days.
Like most of us, money is still a trigger for me. Even though I know I am supported and my soul has my back, my survival instinct still has a tenacious grip on that part of my life. It has a hard time believing that I won’t end up broke and have to live somewhere I don’t want to live, doing things I don’t want to do, working until I die. Even when the money issue has nothing to do with me living in a shack, freezing, with no food in the house, I am still triggered.
Along with the money stuff usually comes my issues with authority figures. That’s another tough one for me. I don’t like being “told” what to do. I don’t like feeling like someone else might have control over my actions. “You’re not the boss of me” is what my internal five year old says. Okay, let’s be honest, my internal five through 60 year old says the same thing, all while crossing her arms and stomping her foot. It’s a place in me where I recognize I have even more work to do in order to heal and move on.
Mentally, I understand where my issues come from, but emotionally, these have been extremely challenging to let go of, and both have popped up in the last two days, shocking me with my strong reactions.
Like I said, I am flowing merrily along in my boat, feeling really good about life, and then I suddenly jerk to a stop as I hit a hidden snag on the river bottom, causing me to flail about, splashing water everywhere while I try to solve the problem. That’s before I remember to relax and breathe and take stock of the situation – because flailing about never helps anything. Turns out, I am never alone in my boat, I have a phone in my pocket as well as an oar or two. I have a support system and I have tools.
Excuse me, I have to go make a call.