I’ve become such a hermit since I quit my job. I like being alone but quite often I’ll make a plan to get out of the house to meet some people (no one specific) and then talk myself right out of it at the last moment or put off leaving until I decide it’s too late. Nah, I’ll just stay here. I’d rather be alone today. Inertia has planted deep roots.
The problem for me with living completely alone is that I spend way too much time in my head. Even in my meditations, my human brain fights to keep on talking. I sometimes feel like I have to wrestle it to the ground and hog tie it and tape its mouth closed before I can relax into the meditation. Shut up, shut up, shut up! I said, SHUT UP! Go stand over there and be quiet for awhile! as I mentally point to a corner. Repeat scenario several times. And if ever I woke up in the morning not hearing my brain discussing things already, it would be amazing. Important things like, what time is it? What day is it? What should I do today? Where should I move to? Wonder if it’s going to rain? How much is that going to cost me? Should I take the bus or book a flight to Panama City? Wonder what my kids are doing and why don’t they answer me? And oh yeah, I need to answer that email or pay that bill.
Blah, blah, blah. What is up with that?! Is all this talk really necessary? All day long, it’s talk talk talk. Is there ever a quiet space in my head? How do I find it? Is it even possible?
With all that I’ve gone through and all that I’ve (re)learned as I reactivated my spiritual life, I would like to believe I could find this place of inner quiet. I feel like this is holding me back from the next level. Maybe it’s not, and maybe as humans, we can’t escape our noisy minds, but I’ve decided I want to live without all the constant chatter inside. That’s my current challenge.
<Raises hand> I admit it folks, I need help. I’m a word addict, be it reading or writing or thinking. As a kid, I would read book after book and never notice anything around me, often getting into trouble because I never heard anyone speaking to me, teachers or parents. I love words. So, while I may be quiet on the outside, I’m a chatterbox on the inside, talking or reading to myself. Is there a “Thinkers Anonymous” group I can join? Wouldn’t that be interesting…and quiet….we’d all sit around and not talk to each other, just be thinking to ourselves because talking out loud is not our style.
The biggest problem I can see with all this inner chatter for me is that I’m usually in the future. And most of these conversations with myself turn out to be very unhelpful. No new insights happening. It also means I am not present in my present. I am not really in my body, living in my current moment, I am in my head, living far off in the future, again.
Next month is my eagerly anticipated annual Eloheim* retreat and I hope to personally address this with them to get some new insights. It follows along on the same teaching path they are on right now so it should fit right in.
Okay, enough of this chatter. I did plan to go to town today, and instead I sat down to write. Bye!