Life is all about change, isn’t it? Nothing ever stays the same. Though most of us would prefer that it would. “Same” is comfortable and predictable. Predictable is safe, we know what to expect. And by comfortable, I mean comfortable in the sense that it’s what we’re used to, enjoyable or not. So, one phase of life leads to another, sometimes smoothly and perhaps unnoticed until we look back, and sometimes the changes happen rather abruptly.
I made my own rather abrupt life change over a year ago, which deeply affected not only me, but those around me. (I can’t fathom that it’s been that long since I left!) It wasn’t abrupt in my own mind as it was something I had been considering for at least twenty years but had never had the courage to go through with. To everyone else, it was fast with no warning. That is simply untrue, for those who knew my heart and had discussions with me, heard plenty of warnings. It’s just that no one really believed me.
So, I came to Panama in 2014, after a visit here a year earlier had introduced me to the possibility. I came with two others and a dream in my heart to eventually open a B&B. It seemed like the time and place for one and now I had partners. I have had that little ditty tucked deep into my dream hope chest for a long time. Little by little, this dream has whittled down with one friend giving up after a lot of pressure from her old life and beliefs and returning home very quickly, and the second at the end her stash of money so she is also back home for now, rebuilding her funds. At this point, it is just me left here, and I really don’t know anything about anything anymore, if I ever did. But for sure, the B&B is on the back burner now.
I frequently ask myself questions. What do I want to do now? Where is my place? What am I doing here? What’s next? Literally, the emphasis is on the act of doing something with my life. I love the people and the country, but haven’t yet found a niche or a place where I want to put my energies or talents, and it’s a real need for me to be of service in a way that not only helps but is fulfilling. I don’t want to simply fill up my time willy-nilly. My introverted self is not helpful in this area. Walking into new places to offer myself into crowds of people who’ve been involved in something for a long while is a real challenge for me. It’s very tempting to beat myself up for not knowing what I want to do when I grow up or for being introverted, but I refuse to go down that road anymore.
Another important aspect of this to consider is, without a roommate, I will be moving out of my current place that I love in a couple of months when my lease is up. A move that has become necessary after trying a few avenues over the last several months to bring in more income, including getting a new roommate. It seems the time has come to let go of this particular dream and place and try something new.
Perhaps the dream was simply to lead to me to this place and time of Now.
So. Changes. Again.
I have been looking at ads for small places within my means but haven’t done anything concrete in any direction yet. Nothing has felt right. Today is the deadline for me to give two months notice to my landlord. I guess – no, I Iie – I was reluctant to admit I have to move and change my path, again. Dammit. Dragging my feet, you might say. However, I have made it clear I was open to any options that might come to my attention. Much to my surprise and joy, I discovered this week that I am being provided for with my small income in mind. My lovely and kind neighbor came over on Monday and offered to share her house with me as roommates. I was dumbfounded. She was never a consideration in my mind. She has a lovely home, two dogs (yay!), is 15 years older than me but very young at heart, and has had roommates in the past. We connect very easily when we talk and like me, she is not “religious” but is on a spiritual path. I’m still trying to integrate this offer. It’s such a generous gift. It remains easier for me to give than to accept, but I’m learning. Bonus, I don’t have to leave the neighborhood! Life always comes through for us, doesn’t it? Usually in ways we don’t expect.
My other roommate says she will be back, the timing is the question mark so I will cross that bridge when it happens. Maybe by then our windfall will be in our bank accounts and we can still pursue our dreams. 😀 However, I can’t put my life on hold waiting for other folks to do their thing anymore (yes, it was a habit I almost fell back into again). I did that my whole married life. So, I will enjoy this house while I am here, move when needed, and continue to take the days of my life as they unfold, one at a time, with no preconceived ideas as to how things will turn out. Isn’t there an old saying, “Life is what happens when you make other plans”? Well, I know life doesn’t “happen” to me, but it sure hasn’t followed any of my plans!