I’ve been struggling, off and on, in the last year, with which direction to go regarding income and personal fulfillment. I have a lot of ideas, put forth effort on five of them (not being sure of any of them) and nothing monetary seems to be taking off. I keep thinking, must not be the right time for me yet. I must still have inner work and integration to do. I keep looking for income, talent, and fulfillment as a package deal. Problem is, I love a lot of things, am “good” at a lot of things, but nothing is screaming passion to me, except my spiritual path. And that one is paying nothing.
Today I did a quick exercise and the first part involved asking myself, What do I want? The answer came quickly as I looked up and let it flow out, Peace and Purpose. Yes, that sounds right. Okay, I thought, so how do I do that?? Which direction do I take to get there? Moving onto to the second part of the exercise, we were to do a specific deep breathing technique and then ask again, What do I want? This time tears immediately flooded my eyes and the word Love came out.
I want love in my life, to give and to be loved, unconditionally. I want a partner in life who can love me unconditionally, no matter the circumstance or my momentary moods or words. I want a steadfast, fun, adventurous, loving partner on this new, perhaps last, part of my journey. I want to be that partner.
I sat there stunned. Well, if that wasn’t an eye opener. And I let the tears flow.
Totally not what I thought I wanted. Not what I’ve said I wanted.
Damn. Do I really want this?? How can I want this?! I like being alone. I’m enjoying not catering to anyone else’s needs. And I just came out of a very long, complicated relationship. But the flood of emotions tell me yes, somehow this is true. I can not deny what came up, though I am having a really hard time believing it.
My mind keeps offering reasons why this is not a good thing.
Excuse me while I go integrate this new knowledge. It is going to take some time. Omg.