What Do I Really Want?

I’ve been struggling, off and on, in the last year, with which direction to go regarding income and personal fulfillment.  I have a lot of ideas, put forth effort on five of them (not being sure of any of them) and nothing monetary seems to be taking off. I keep thinking, must not be the right time for me yet.  I must still have inner work and integration to do.  I keep looking for income, talent, and fulfillment as a package deal.  Problem is, I love a lot of things, am “good” at a lot of things, but nothing is screaming passion to me, except my spiritual path.  And that one is paying nothing.

Today I did a quick exercise and the first part involved asking myself, What do I want?  The answer came quickly as I looked up and let it flow out, Peace and Purpose.  Yes, that sounds right.  Okay, I thought, so how do I do that??  Which direction do I take to get there?  Moving onto to the second part of the exercise, we were to do a specific deep breathing technique and then ask again, What do I want?  This time tears immediately flooded my eyes and the word Love came out. 

I want love in my life, to give and to be loved, unconditionally.  I want a partner in life who can love me unconditionally, no matter the circumstance or my momentary moods or words.  I want a steadfast, fun, adventurous, loving partner on this new, perhaps last, part of my journey.  I want to be that partner.

I sat there stunned.  Well, if that wasn’t an eye opener.  And I let the tears flow.  

Totally not what I thought I wanted.  Not what I’ve said I wanted.  

Damn.  Do I really want this??  How can I want this?!  I like being alone.  I’m enjoying not catering to anyone else’s needs.  And I just came out of a very long, complicated relationship.  But the flood of emotions tell me yes, somehow this is true.  I can not deny what came up, though I am having a really hard time believing it.  

My mind keeps offering reasons why this is not a good thing. 

Excuse me while I go integrate this new knowledge.  It is going to take some time. Omg.

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