I had the most amazing session with Eloheim Sunday. It ranks right up there with the Core Emotion session I had with them several years ago and from which I realized how much of my life was controlled by that wound.
I am a different person than I used to be. That was the first thing they said to me. “God, you’re a different woman!” We haven’t chatted since the Retreat in October and they expounded on the difference in me since then and from when we first began our journey together. I feel very different, like the bonds that held me back have snapped like rubber bands and flown off. Eloheim asked me to spend the first part of this year using the tool U2U (Compare You to You) and noticing just how different I am and acknowledging this new person. They want me to acknowledge and reinforce this change as if on steroids!
“I am the woman who followed her dreams. I am the woman who was afraid and did it anyways. I am the woman who left all she knew for uncertainty.”
They went on to talk about the two different parts of me that are present right now, which interestingly enough, I have really been noticing and talking about recently.
One side of me is quiet and introverted and has a great deal of empathy for others. She sits back to let others run the show. She wants everyone to feel good and doesn’t like to make waves. She has “had her day in the sun” according to Eloheim.
The other side of me wants to step up because she knows what she wants. She is more confident and ballsy. She doesn’t settle. Sometimes I hold her back but she shows up more now than she used to. This aspect E called, “Don’t f… with me, Mister!” I had to laugh when they said that. I feel her in there a lot more these days. In the past, that side of me has exploded on several memorable occasions and it wasn’t pleasant for anyone. That side of me raised my kids, took my kids on vacations alone, and confidently ran my daycare with up to twenty kids at a time. She traveled alone across country several times and did a county job that brought all kinds of people into her days. And did it well. Eloheim said this is the year for me to meld these two sides because both have something to offer and together, they will make a great team.
Eloheim also suggested I don’t wait until I’m pushed before I utilize the “don’t mess with me, mister” side, that I wake up every day with both aspects as full partners. And they asked me to give that side a name of my choosing. In my mind, I see her as a strong woman, standing there with her hands on her hips and a smile on her face, knowing she is fully confident and capable of going after what she wants and taking charge of her life. My introvert is rather tired of running this life, actually. She is tired of being triggered when others misunderstand or act unkindly. Being triggered and trying to make everything better is exhausting. It is time for “Zena” to step up and share in the daily direction of life. And she wants to. Yes, I named her Zena after the old tv show.That is the vision I had when Eloheim described her. I loved Zena back then, wanted to be her, thought she was so strong and awesome and brave, yet full of empathy and kindness.
And you know what I realized? My daughter has these two sides and I have always admired her ability to stand up to people and speak her mind, as well as use her kind heart and empathy. She has such a strong “Don’t f… with me, mister” side and I’ve always been amazed at that. Didn’t get that from me, I used to think. Somehow I raised a woman who often embodies those very qualities I admire so much. I told her that yesterday, that now she is my role model! I love it. But apparently she did get some of that from me because Zena’s just been waiting for me to let her out.
Zena has self-confidence. That’s my job this year, to embody and commit to being the me I want to be, to meld the two sides. They told me they bet that the new people I have met here think I am the Zena persona, that they don’t know the other one. Eloheim told me that though I am not completely in that space all the time, it is not very far away. I’ve done harder things, they said.
On that note, since it was my birthday yesterday, I decided to share photos of myself, without judgment or criticism of every “flaw.” It’s a new year and deserves a new attitude to go with the new place to live. I shared them on Facebook, and surprisingly, I am not looking at them and constantly wanting to hit the delete button. Or to make them smaller or blurred. I even wore my glasses, which I never used to have to wear until a few years ago, but they spend more time on my face than off now. So, it’s time to accept that face – I meant to write fact, but that “typo” works – and love the me who wears them. That’s a first. It’s time to step out of hiding. Hello Zena.