My favorite teachers* have called 2014 an “incline year,” and 2015 a “year of disruption.” Not destruction. Disruption. Add an ongoing theme of uncertainty right along with that and you’ve got my life these days.
After years of feeling like I was just existing and not living, after years of familiar suffering in a marriage where was no true partnership and no communication (other than we need milk and can you buy me some more deodorant), I disrupted the entire scene, had the talk, quit the highest paid job I’ve ever had – plus the only one with benefits – and moved away. To another country.
This has been a year of walking an incline for me and many others. It was a year of internal diving, of dismantling and reordering my priorities and boundaries. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t total destruction, it just let me know I was walking an incline and doing some work. I left a marriage in order to find who I am, the person who’s been buried under expectations and beliefs full of baggage and static, both internal and external, real or imagined. Who am I under all that? I am still dealing with the repercussions of that decision, ie missing my kids and grandkids during the holiday season, them missing me, and lots of “now whats,” but comparing me to me (U2U**), I am truly happier and way more peaceful at this point. I feel a bit like I did at 18 when I went to college and was out of the rigid control of my parents. Free. Free to make my own decisions about what I like and what’s right for me.
The uncertainty lies in how I live in my passion and how I will support myself. I have had a cap on myself for so long, suppressed the real me in order not to disturb others, that revealing myself and being outwardly expressive does not come easy. I am more of an introvert so it’s an effort for me to be in a group of folks and have things to say. In person, I tend to stay quiet and when I do talk, often it’s not as clear to the other person as it is to me. If the subject is something I know about or am passionate about, I’m able to chat, but otherwise, I’m kind of at a loss!
I love writing and it’s been my preferred method of expressing myself because it gives me time to compose the concepts in my head into words. Speaking is another subject altogether. Yet the part of me that is passionate about my path wants to do something with all I have learned, and that will involve communicating with others in a clear manner. That is part of my work now, clearing the throat chakra and the path between my intuition, brain and tongue so I am more comfortable speaking. I truly admire people like Oprah and Veronica (Eloheim channel) whose words flow so easily.
Exploring the spiritual path and excavating my true self has been my focus for many years, I would like to use what I have learned in my inner journey and convey it outwardly into the world, supporting myself while doing so. How I do that is unclear and uncertain. I’ve spent the last eight months in huge uncertainty. What’s next for me?
2015 is nearly here, along with another birthday. 2015, according to my favorite, long-time teachers, is the year of disruption. I think mine was 2014, but society-wise a lot of our major institutions are either going to come down or be reorganized for the benefit of society as a whole instead of benefiting the few. There is no hiding anymore, for anyone. There are cameras everywhere and social media and the internet to spread the things that were suppressed before. Truth is coming out and people are standing up for what they believe in and forcing changes. I am no exception. No more hiding our truths.
It’s not easy, but it’s time for things to change, this is the tipping point, there is no more waiting or living in total unconsciousness. If we can just keep this in mind – on the other side of disruption is a better life for all of humanity, and is a gift for our children and for all life on this planet.