This past week at the Annual Eloheim Retreat everyone had a session with Eloheim, if they wanted, a process that is always awesome, expansive and interesting. It’s done in a group with all the rest quietly observing and loving the one in the “hot seat”. Sometimes the session is funny, sometimes it rocks us to the core. But all of us seem to find commonality with each others’ issues and can take what is given to someone else for use in our own personal growth.
My one-on-one session with Eloheim tapped some very old and some very recent wounds and tied them all together. This was the first time I ever sat in the chair before Eloheim at the Retreat and broke down. I have had many sessions with E on the phone in the past five years, plus two others in person, and in only one of those did I really fall apart. That was a private one on the phone and challenging enough. This one was in front of a roomful of people. I was definitely caught off guard with the direction of the session.
Eloheim wasted no time, which is their typical communication mode, in getting right to the source of the trigger I have been working through during the last two months. I had no intention of discussing it. It was not even a blip on my thought or question radar, though I was open to whatever they saw and brought out of my energy field. Eloheim looked at me and decided to lance this particular wound and then went on to give me some guidance to help heal the pain I have carried for years.
We all know wounds full of pus don’t heal if they aren’t given the opportunity to be released. Agreed, it’s painful to do so at the moment, and we might avoid doing so for fear of the pain, but in the end, it’s part of the process of healing, and we feel so much better later. This lancing was no different.
My personal pain of feeling completely alone and never belonging anywhere began in the mess that was my childhood, a childhood formed by a lack of a solid and sage family (I meant to write safe!) with lots of physical and emotional abuse, and continued until recently in a 35-year relationship with an in-law family with less-than-stellar inclusive behaviors and nonjudgmental faculties. I tried to fit in in every family I was a part of, birth, foster, adoptive, and in-law. And failed. Or shall we say, I sort of fit in, if I subdued who I was to do so. So maybe that meant it was successful sometimes.
Mostly, as Eloheim said, I was on the outside, looking in.
It was always painful to watch other families have what I didn’t. I always felt alone with the exception of my two kids, who had the nerve to grow up and go do their own thing. Otherwise, I did most things on my own. And perhaps that was my plan all along for this incarnation. If I fit in somewhere, I don’t have to explore any further, do I? I could stop seeking. Everything would be great so why would I bother looking for different answers that might feel better? My life forced me to look elsewhere and to dig deep inside myself to find the strength and the love I craved from others.
I found my own company to be great company and decided to appreciate that. I found my own well of wisdom that miraculously showed me answers. I found my own courage and a solid sense of self coalesced inside (with lots of help from spiritual teachers) without relying on someone else to prop me up or do it for me. I was able to let go of a lot of baggage as I went along. However, the recent rejection of the new me was surprisingly painful and I am grateful Eloheim helped me make sense of what was going on and gave me tools for how to move through it.
This path of the New Me is obviously still not easy nor without any rocks and boulders that I occasionally find myself tripping over or climbing over. I’m still working on releasing the rest of this deeply held pain. It’s a conscious work in progress. I admit I’m still provoked to tears now and then over feeling “alone”. However, we humans don’t learn well without a challenge and I’ve certainly learned a lot from mine over the years. I know if things were easy, we’d stay the same. I am not content with that anymore. I prefer growth. Thus the path I now walk.
I am not alone. I know this for sure as a mental thing. My brain and emotions have yet to catch up with my heart which knows this as a feeling thing. I have a ton of physical friends who “get” me now and I love all of you. Thank you for being here for me, with me. I can also feel the presence of all my nonphysical friends, more so now than ever before. I am so grateful to know and appreciate all them as well, Eloheim in particular right now. I felt wrung out emotionally after my session, I’m not a pretty crier lol so I looked the part, too, but each day gets easier as I choose and choose again which fork in the road I want to walk. The fork of rejection and self flogging is not my choice. Staying stuck with the people who will turn on me when I change is not the best I can do. I recognize the times I occasionally mourn a life that didn’t fit. And I love myself enough to choose something better for me.
Challenges are fuel for growth.
And I am growing like a weed.