The Retreat is over now, and I am sitting in a motel room waiting to start the next leg of my journey tomorrow. It’s always so difficult to say goodbye to these loving, heartcentered people who come to this Retreat every year. They are so important to my journey, so encouraging and warm, and a big reason I can’t stay away from the retreat every Fall, as much as I tell myself I “shouldn’t” go.
I have commitments from nearly every single person stating, “I’m coming to Panama to your B&B. Just let me know when.” I never asked, they told me. I never expected, they want to come. They want to visit me and to see the country that I have fallen in love with. Even – and talk about blowing my mind – Eloheim said during my personal session, “you do the work that we have asked you to do, and we will come to Panama.” I lost it when they said that. Talk about vulnerability. That is tough for me. If you know me at all, you know I do not like to cry in front of people. I pushed that down years and years ago. It has always made me feel exposed, and as Eloheim described to one of the other participants during his session, like the sharks will circle and I will be seen as weak and taken down at any moment. I am working on that, and I feel safe being vulnerable with the Eloheim tribe.
Earlier in my session, they told me that the in-law family I had claimed as my own, was like a little clique, and I never really was part of it as much as I wanted to be or pushed myself down to fit in. It was like they circled and looked inward, and it was impossible for me to join the inner circle. So true. I never fit in, and never felt comfortable, and now I see that I never was a part of it. My new family is of my choosing, not defined by marriage or blood, it’s a family of conscious kinship and it’s getting bigger all the time.
There is a deep connection between us all, it’s so strong, so sweet, and so wonderful that I wish this same feeling of love for everyone. Which happens to anyone who willingly connects to Eloheim and our group. We had 5 new people join us this year and they fit like they have always been there. Eloheim loves humanity so much and they told us at the beginning of the Retreat that they were our friend. Not our better, not our guru, not our leader. Our friend. Everyone teared up at that and I got goosebumps.
So no one ever wants the Retreat to end. No one wants this lovely feeling to end. It’s like summer camp for conscious grownups. We laugh and talk and share, cry and comfort, support and encourage. We eat and giggle, a lot. It’s great. But it’s done for this year and we have to wait another year to do this in person, darn it.
And now, Friday morning, I board a flight back to Panama. I will meet Debbie halfway and we will travel the last leg together. Taking that next step towards who knows what, except uncertainty and possibilities. However, we are open, ready, and willing to see what we can create.