I know it seems like I haven’t talked much about my time back here in the States. I haven’t known what to say. Being back in the old energies with my new self has been a challenge, and right now, I am just trying to keep myself occupied after the initial busyness of the first couple of weeks. I’ve felt in limbo and not sure what to do with myself. I don’t have an income, I want to save my money for Panama, and I don’t want to take my husband’s money though he keeps offering, so it limits what I can do.
My husband is being super good, very open, very attentive, very kind, and very good-natured. All things he had quit being in the last 30 years. If he ever really was, of that I am no longer sure. He has quit hanging on to me and questioning my every move, which is awesome. I have no idea if this change is temporary due his hopes for reconciliation or if this is a process of growth for him. But it has made it easier to be here. Other than his change of heart, things are the same old, same old routine. And it’s not for me anymore. I feel very disconnected here.
This week I took care of my jury duty summons. All cases were resolved and I am free of that for a few more years. Now I need to buy my plane tickets to go to the Eloheim Retreat, then on to Panama. On the way to San Francisco, I plan to stop and visit Lisa Gawlas in Albuquerque once again. The Retreat begins on the 6th of October and I will leave here the first and spend time with Lisa until the fifth. It gets me out of here sooner and saves me some money on room and board. Bonus! Visiting with Lisa is a great way to accomplish all those goals!
I had a moment today when I felt the old sadness of the rejection of my in-law family come up and begin to choke me. It was almost unbearable as I simply don’t understand how I ended up as the “bad” guy when I finally did what I had to do to save my own well-being. It makes no sense to me how people can turn on you like that. Duality strikes again. This is something connected to my core wound, my theme for this life, and I know it. I also know if I still feel sadness over it, I need to attend to it.
I have been sewing a lot. I have not been able to sew for years, at least not in any preferred, extended time period. My free time was never enough at once so I didn’t even start projects since I knew I wouldn’t get back to them for a long time. And because I know I like to finish what I start, I just wouldn’t even begin things. So, it’s been fun playing with my stash of fabrics. I wish I could have it with me in Panama. I have made two bags, refashioned one skirt, made another, took in some clothes that were too loose, and today I made two pillows for my daughter.
I also helped organize my daughter’s place yesterday. She is working 3+ jobs and things had become really messy at her home, and she was overwhelmed. Plus she has a different energy than me and it’s not her thing. I had the open time and I love organizing so I volunteered, in exchange for 20 bucks. I spent a good 6 hours there but oh it looked so nice when I finished. She got a good deal! And I realized how much I love doing that kind of stuff. It’s satisfying to me to see the results when I’m done.
On that note, I was led to Carol Tuttle this week for one specific reason, and then got lost in her site for another. I have been exploring her work in energy profiles after being introduced to her work about parenting your children based on their energy type and your own. I sent that link to my daughter, then ended up lost in her website and her other work. I have learned a lot about myself through it, and understood the fact that I have not always honored who I intrinsically am. I can see these four energy profiles in other people as well, and boy, did that help me understand them, too. (I should probably see if I can do this with the judgy in-laws!)
I am spending a lot of time with Kaia and that’s been nice. I believe she benefits from it as well. My grandson has been in a good mood lately so it’s been a pleasure to be with him, too. He got his permit and asked me to take him out. Ummm. Maybe. When my kids were learning, I invented a window cling that said, “Student Driver, Terrified Mother”. 😀
Other than that, not much is going on. I spend my time listening to my favorite channels and contemplating what I’m doing with my life when I’m not with my family. I have a new business planned and when that website is ready, I will link it up here. I have two other ideas for income but not sure about them as neither of them seem to draw out the passion I have for the first one. They feel like income producers and I wonder if that is enough anymore?
One final note, Brrrrrr! Heat got turned on today. And I’m cold. I went outside and immediately went back in and found a coat. LOL! Stay tuned- will she be able to last until October 1st?? Or will she freeze since she gave away most of her warm winter clothes last spring??
And that’s all for now folks! Good night!