I have been trying for months to make a decision about going to the annual Eloheim Retreat in October. Since I am no longer bringing in a regular paycheck – make that any paycheck – my money triggers have been super loud. Now that the Retreat is a little over a month away, I am fast running out of time to make this decision and the necessary arrangements.
My human side keeps saying, “This is irresponsible! What are you thinking? Spending a bunch of money when you are unemployed! You’re going to blow all your savings really fast and then have nothing left, and then what?? What if you don’t find a way to support yourself?”
My heart says, “Do it. No worries. You are supported, both now and in the future. This retreat is important to you. You have changed so much, inside and out, in the last year- who knows what you will gain from the experience this time? You will receive far more than it takes from your current money supply. You are worth the investment! Look how much you have benefited from the previous two you attended!”
Teeter totter, teeter totter. One moment it tilts one way,
the next moment it tilts the other.
One day I’m positively going,
the next day, I’m freaking out about money.
I’ve been paralyzed with indecision. I’m afraid of making a wrong choice.
I’m afraid I’m going to be very sorry at some point in the future if I spend this money now. Because frankly, it’s a substantial investment. The money includes a cross-country ticket, the Retreat cost itself, the travel expenses between the airport and the venue an hour away, and perhaps a couple of overnights in a hotel on either end of the Retreat.
On the other hand, I know I will regret not going. I loved every minute of the last two Retreats. There I met and made some awesome friends. Most importantly, I made immense strides in my personal growth as a result of this investment in myself.
I keep looking for certainty. Which I’ve learned doesn’t exist. Though I continue to think I can find it if I look hard enough.
What to do, what to do…..
This past week, I read a message by Brenda Hoffman which stopped the teeter totter with a bang. The message basically said, live now and not for the future (Stop Worrying and Start Living). I have very much been living in the future on this subject, denying what I really want to do out of fear of an uncertain future.
Immediately after that message came this week’s Eloheim-channeled teaching (The Answer is Within You or The Galactic Google is Inside You- my own title for it– which I will share a video when it’s available). This was the final boot I needed to make my choice. From it, I learned that I have been asking the wrong questions – ie How do I afford or justify this? This line of thought made me incapable of getting off the teeter totter and making a satisfying decision. The real question for me to ask is, What is the true obstacle that prevents me from committing to the Retreat?
The answer to that, and to many other questions in my life, is a lack of Trust. In life. In abundance. In support. In myself – both my Human self and my Soul self.
How many prods and signs and lightbulbs do I need to have? When do I allow myself to completely trust?
So the decision is made.
I am staying out of the future and trusting that I will have what I need and want, if and when the moment arrives. I am trusting in my own ability to make a living and to create the life I want. I am trusting all of Me to make the best and most loving decisions for my life.
And that trust starts now.
Retreat, here I come.