Epiphany: Choices

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Yesterday it hit me.  An epiphany.  The very specific purpose the families I chose in this lifetime had.  Those families who didn’t want me, ignored me, abused me, judged me harshly, didn’t love me – either at all or with limits attached- and left me feeling quite alone were chosen for one reason.   All four families showed me what it is like to either not be loved or how to love with conditions.   Each family had their own methods and scenarios and from each, I learned to doubt and chide myself constantly.  I learned I had to put forth effort to be loved.  Which rarely worked, by the way.

But what I finally realized yesterday was they were teaching me the art of loving unconditionally.  And most importantly, this means the love must be directed at and felt for myself first.

Because if I can’t remember to love myself unconditionally, how can I love anyone else that way?  If I sit in negative judgment of myself, if I can’t be kind to myself, how can I emanate neutrality and kindness towards anyone else?  If I judge myself, I will always hold back on others, expecting from them the conditional love I give myself. It’s time to change that habit.

Currently, it’s the in-laws’ turn to teach.  I can choose to allow their opinions of me and my actions to be mine.  I can choose to allow their judgments to color my own feelings about myself.  Or I can choose to love myself unconditionally.  It’s always a choice.  

I also realized, with a mental head slap, that I can set boundaries with them.  And one of them is going to be, I will no longer voluntarily subject myself to their presence with all their negative judgments and mistrust of me.  It’s unpleasant and unkind and I don’t have to do it anymore.  

I DON”T HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF DO THAT ANYMORE! 

Another epiphany!  It doesn’t feel good to be with them.  Period.  I don’t need to put myself through it, so why would I choose to do that to myself again?  Do you know how profound that thought was when it went through my mind yesterday?  I just gave myself complete permission to be kind to myself.   

The thing is, I know who I am.  I know me more than anyone else does, I know my truth.   Their opinions about me are NOT mine and claiming them as my own is unkind.  I am doing the best I know how at the time.  And that deserves my own unconditional love.  

My husband, ironically, is totally accepting of what has happened and does not judge me.  He is offering unconditional love and full support.  I can learn from him.   

from Eloheim: How To Stop Caring What Others Think

 

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