Can’t believe it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve been back in NY. So many emotions and triggers have popped up, and I have spent time wading through these things as I clear and reaffirm my stance.
I feel very neutral about my relationship with my husband and we are in a good place at this time. Underneath the surface though, I feel as though my husband is still holding out hope I will come back home for good. I love him, I don’t want to live with him anymore. That feels finished. Today is our 36th anniversary. He left for work early this morning and left money on the table for me to buy “whatever I want”. That’s a big chunk of money! And a big surprise but it does feel like he is trying to make up for the past.
I think I am going to use that as my seed money for a trip to the annual Eloheim retreat that I have been wanting to attend but didn’t want to spend my savings on. It seems to me that the signs are all pointing to me going. I still need to do some more figuring.
I have been confronted with my money triggers over and over again on this trip back. I sure would like to clear that one because it’s not a good feeling at all.
My self-confidence has been challenged as well. I feel good, I feel god (keeping that typo!), and then all it takes is one small, unexpected opening for me to feel bad about myself and I sink into a sea of doubt. I start comparing myself to someone or something else (all me, no one else is doing that, mind you) and off I go, sliding into self judgement and doubt. I don’t stay there nearly as long as I used, to so that’s a plus, but while I am wallowing in “I suck”, it’s rough.
However, I do know I am committed to going back and living in Panama, at least for now, even without a foreseeable income. Since I am in total uncertainty, I am open to whatever I/we create from that experience. This past week, I was inspired to work on opening my own website in the near future, offering services doing something I love and that others feel is my talent. And it is something to help people understand themselves and for which people pay. I had no idea this was a “thing” you could get paid for. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about doing something I love doing and actually getting paid for it. It will totally be online so I can do it from anywhere, in addition to anything else I might do to bring in income. I never considered it something I could use as a marketable income or even a real talent. It seems simple to me. Funny how we don’t see ourselves as others do. Thank heavens for friends who can shine the light on what you’re blind to inside yourself. So now I get to do the same for others.
Speaking of friends, I just spent a marvelous week and a half visiting people and eating too much. I got told many times, you look great! You look happy! Was so nice to have how I feel inside confirmed by my outside.
I also spent this past weekend with my daughter at her new boyfriend’s home. (Why do they call guys over 25 “boyfriends”??) He is a few years older than her and a different sort of man than she has ever dated. He is mensa-smart and very kind and compassionate with a great laugh and sense of humor. They seem to be really good for each other. They have a lot in common, too, as far as history and family goes. I really like him and she is so happy. We played Scrabble twice and they both kicked my butt! LOL, I used to be a Scrabble queen, but they play together all the time so I was just along for the ride on these games! It makes me feel good that she is happy. And he seems to be, too.
So, ups and downs on this trip, mostly ups though. Layers of my shadow self keep coming up to look at, sometimes right in the midst of the times I’m feeling the best, and I am surprised at how strongly I am being triggered. I think, dammit, I thought I cleared that! It would be very nice to just get to the point where I have no triggers, and I live in neutral observation and love all the time! Obviously, I’m not there yet. All in all, this trip has been surprisingly good and has cleared a lot in the way of my relationships. I have two more weeks left before I take off again so we’ll see what happens in the meantime.
I feel good right now, and I am so grateful and appreciative of all the love and support I am receiving. It’s a lovely feeling to let in all that I’ve held at arm’s length for so long.
Blessings to you all.