Last night as I laid in bed pondering, I suddenly connected two recent incidents in my life.
A little over a week ago I dreamt about walking through an alley on my way home when I noticed two women with a bunch of kids in a fenced-in back yard. I stopped, looked at them disbelievingly and said, “You’re still here!?” I somehow knew it was a women’s shelter. I spoke to the first woman who had two kids. Don’t remember what we spoke about at all. I then watched her take her kids and disappear inside the house.
The other woman and I chatted and I asked her how many kids she had. It seemed like there were quite a few running around and making lots of noise. I think the answer I received was eight. I looked over and sitting on a couch nearby was a little boy around eight years old. He was mad, acting out and expressing anger about his father being the reason they were there. I sat down next to him, wanting to comfort, so I pulled him into my lap. I told him, “No matter what, he is your dad and he is doing the best he can with what he knows. He is doing what he knows how to do.” He calmed down as he listened to me. I told him that his dad loved him and he is doing the best he knows how to do.
The kids were all being rowdy and I decided it was time to leave. After I walked out the door, I realized I had forgotten my shoes and had to go back to get them. (Don’t remember taking them off actually!). Then I woke up.
Lots of deep stuff coming up here. Father issues, grown woman stuff, upset masculine energies, childhood aspects left behind, the number/age 8 (the very years my current life took a nasty turn), the safety of the “shelter”, the women being left there with nowhere to go, and then not being able to just walk away (no shoes) without coming back to deal with it all. And I noticed the first woman had two kids (perhaps the current me?). Tons of stuff to look at in this dream.
I knew the dream was pointing to some more baggage I needed to unpack, examine and integrate. There was more here to see. So I did some work on what I saw and felt, then moved on and forgot about it.
This past Sunday I visited my mother-in-law. You know that story already. But last night I realized that despite all the work and clearing I had done in the last few years and especially the last few months, there was still more here to shine the light on. As I discussed and thought about this incident since it happened, I very clearly saw that the desire to be mothered and loved was still there. She filled that role for me for 40 years and now has pulled it away from me, as if I don’t deserve it anymore. She is the only mother who has ever stayed in my life for any amount of time. The only parent actually, so it literally felt like a blow when I heard how she was acting about me since I left.
Between the dream and how she acted, which, by the way, only happened because I was emanating a certain lack of unconditional love and acceptance within myself and drew it to me, I connected the dots and began to understand. I have felt the lack of mothering and parenting all my life, and I created these two events, the dream and the interaction with my mother-in-law, in order to see this lack more clearly and make changes. I brought it to me even though at this time, I really believed I had already come to embody self-care and self-love.
Obviously not completely and unconditionally.
The aha suddenly hit me out of the blue when I was not even thinking about it. My mother-in-law was the outside mother figure and now I needed to mother my own self! That thought stopped me in my tracks. I get it! I am fully able to love and shelter and take care of my own emotional desires now. I don’t need someone else to fill that role or give it to me. I can be complemented and share love with others, but I don’t need someone else to fill me up. All I need is inside me.
Nothing comes our way by mistake. Nothing shows up in our reality unless we attract it with our emanation, conscious or not. And until we see things clearly and make changes inside, they keep coming our way. My feelings of the lack of love manifested at first in the form of the ladies and their children residing in the shelter in my dream. The child felt the lack of fatherly love. The women didn’t feel loved or they wouldn’t be in a shelter. When I still didn’t fully get it, I experienced the lack of motherly love in my interaction with my mother-in-law. She has always symbolized the parental love I missed as a child. The two incidents were totally connected. It took both of them for me to see this energetic baggage I was carrying around.
Now that I’m aware, I can choose differently and let my emanation flow with unconditional self-love and self-care. I can parent myself. Although I can and do allow others to give to me, I don’t NEED them to fill a hole. I can love myself, all parts of me, from child to adult. Fully and unconditionally. Starting now.
You cannot transform your experience
unless you accept that you created it,
unless you accept responsibility for it existing first.
A nanosecond later, it can be,
“And I want it to be different now, please.”
But unless it starts with yes to what is,
you cannot move out of it
in a transformational way.
You can ignore your way out of it,
but you cannot transform your way out of it.