A Whirlpool

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Back in NY for a while.  After one day I am already checking airline prices and dates for when I can leave and wishing the time would go by quickly.  Seriously.

I didn’t think there were any more tears left in me.  I was wrong.  I’ve already had some unkind words come my way that I’ve had to work on and am still working on.  I have great spiritual tools yet sometimes it’s challenging to grab hold of them and use them.

I walked into my house yesterday to pick up some warmer clothes and felt like it was not mine anymore.  It didn’t even feel homey.  It was very strange.  And uncomfortable.  I am staying with my daughter at the present but I will be staying there off and on so I can take care of things.

My cats went bonkers though when they heard my voice.  They immediately came running, crying and rubbing on me.  I love them so much but I can’t take them with me right now.  There’s nothing stable to take them to right now.  One of them isn’t a talker so she just sat there and stared intently at me while the other clung to me when I picked her up.

Later on after work my husband stopped by my daughter’s house to see me and he brought me my car.  That was unexpected and kind of him. Then my son also dropped by, which totally surprised me.  I fully expected to have to track him down as usual.

Everyone feels so unhappy and repressed here.  It’s going to take some concentrated consciousness to stay in my own center so as not to be sucked into the same state of being.  Already I can feel the whirlpool of dense, heavy energies trying to pull me in right along with the rest of the folks.

This whole thing has an unreal quality for me.  I’m in limbo.  I don’t feel able to make sense of any of it right now.  Who am I?  Who are these people?  What am I doing?  Where am I going?  Why did things turn out like this?  How do I handle this?  How do I stand in my truth in this maelstrom of emotions?

I don’t fit in anymore, if ever I did.

September can’t come soon enough at this point.

 

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7 responses

  1. I remember staying at my house after I had “left home”. It was so foreign to me. Something I had enjoyed for so many years had no feeling in it anymore. It was very disorienting. Continue to compare you to you – enjoy what you can – take some time to meditate and hold yourself in love. You are a brave soul, experimenting with emotions right now.

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    • Absolutely Sue. I felt the exact same thing walking into my old house. Very odd feeling in here. But it is getting better as I use tools and adjust my attitude and stay centered. I like me. So if no one else does, oh well. (only got that from the mil thankfully!)

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  2. Sorry you’re having a tough time. It’s interesting this has occurred this week, because it seems like everybody is in a whirlpool at the moment, and it’s very uncomfortable. The timing of your return seems relevant to the overall energies, but nobody likes a shake-up! Hang in there!

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