Ambivalent

We leave in a week and a half heading back to where we came from for a few weeks before returning here to Panama.  Our trip north is set for the 6th of August and were bought as part of our round trip tickets back in April.  The tickets are too expensive to change so we are going with the original date of departure.  As ready as I am to have some movement in my life, I am finding I’m not really excited to go back.  In fact, there’s a bit of dread going on in me.

I plan to stay in NY until the end of August to get some things done, like take care of material possessions, do money stuff and see friends and family.  I’m not sure I’ll need three weeks to do this, but the end of August is both of my grandkids’ birthdays so I get to be there for that, which I do like.   But I am feeling ambivalent and a bit reluctant about the trip.  I am heading back into old energy.

My husband has said I could stay at the house, no problem.  I do need to do things there and I want to love on my cat.  But I am not sure I want to stay there the whole time.  It could be awkward.  He still wants married us to work out, I don’t.  

And I really don’t want to be in the family drama there.  I don’t know how anyone is feeling about me anymore and I know I shouldn’t care, but it’s an uncomfortable feeling.  I don’t want to explain myself again or defend my decision or have anyone try to change my mind.  Not that I would allow it, I just know the family.  I’m sure the gossip has run rampant.  

We can’t stay in Panama for more than six months without leaving the country so we have to decide how that is going to work when we buy our tickets back here.  Do I want to buy a round trip ticket for six months out?  Not really.  That’s March and still winter weather up north.  However, we do have to show we plan to leave Panama with a tourist visa after six months.  That’s information I need to explore with my expat friends before we leave. 

When we come back here, we will be heading to Boquete to live and will make plans to open a business of some sort.  We’ve been told that 2015 will be our year for the good things in our lives to take off.  I am really looking forward to the next parts of our adventure.

 

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4 responses

  1. I know what you mean. The US doesn’t pull me any more either, and that’s even without the concerns that you are working through. It’s great to see family though and I hope you have a good time with the grandkids.
    In my understanding, you need a return ticket before they will let you into Panama and they have always asked me for mine. My husband just returned to Panama (flying solo from visiting different family) and it wasn’t a round trip ticket, and they didn’t ask to see his return. But, I have had times where I know they wouldn’t have let me on the plane without it. I have had friends though who bought refundable tickets just for the purpose and when they got to Panama they cashed them in. This gives you a lot more flexibility so it might be an option. Do you know Holly Carter? She could tell you more about this, and you need to know her anyway. She lives in Boquete and you would love her. hollycarter184.wordpress.com

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