For the last few months, a theme has emerged for me. It has shown up in so many ways, in dreams, signs, songs and channeled messages, a theme of being willing and able to let go of attachments to people, things and outcomes in my life in order to move forward into a place more suited to who I am now.
The loudest instrument in my band that I needed to put down was my old life, in particular, my marriage. It was so loud it took over the whole band so nothing else got heard. It took me years to finally let go of the strong attachment I had to my old life, which, as you all know, wasn’t working for me in any way, shape or form, based upon my obvious lack of passion for it. However, that lack of passion didn’t make letting go any easier. We humans would rather swim in familiar suffering¹ rather than in the pool of uncertainty², and I am no exception. Attachments to everything in my life kept me tied securely to the past, whether I was happy or not. I managed to gather up my courage and take that big step a few months ago.
So, as I looked at and cleared one thing, other instruments would get very loud, each saying, My turn, my turn! For example :
~ One week several dreams occurred when I woke up nearly sobbing, expecting to find tears on my face. I was letting go of something that I was very attached to, one being my daughter. These were intensely emotional for me. I knew these were release dreams and whatever I was letting go of, it was heart wrenching but necessary.
~Then next I had a dream where my granddaughter took a towel of mine, a beautiful, thick towel that I had packed into my suitcase, and sold it to pay off a taxi driver because no one had change for him. I was so mad at her and made her go with me to get it back. It was mine! The people who bought it from her were swimming in a pool and wouldn’t sell it back. I was willing to pay more than she sold it for and still the answer was No. I yelled at her all the way home, furious that she took something of mine, she had no right! Thing is, when I saw the towel hanging up on a hook next to the pool, it was not pretty at all. It was just a plain beige towel.
After pondering this for a bit, I realised it was another “letting go of attachments” dream. I thought, wow, I got really upset over the loss of a towel! A beige towel is such a trivial thing to be pissed off about! Apparently I still have a lot of attachments to trivial, temporal things, things that can be easily replaced or let go of permanently (some of my stuff still at home? some non-useful thoughts?). Clinging to them is just a habit³ which doesn’t necessarily make me any happier.
~My next realisation came when we didn’t seem to be making any progress or receiving much encouragement towards our intended goal of a B&B, no matter which way we turned. We came to Panama with one specific dream in mind and now it seems that what we want keeps floating out of reach as one obstacle after another ends up in our way. What we are beginning to understand is that the intention we came with, may not be the reason we are here. Lisa told us that the B&B was the “carrot” that got us here, and perhaps the real reason we are here is a “cucumber”. That discussion made me look at this adventure in a new and different way. And so I questioned myself, what do I really want? Underneath the dream, what is my true desire? Why did I choose this particular dream? What is my truth?
I discovered my attachment is not to the business or a specific outcome. What I really want in my heart is community. I want to have a real connection with people. I spent most of my life alone, now I want to have companionship and community and the camaraderie of like minded souls. I am seeking the feeling of Oneness we have in spirit.
So I have let go of the B&B outcome* and will let things unfold without expectations. Who knows where I am going to end up?
~This past Monday, I got a haircut in Boquete. I sat in the chair and asked for a trim from an English-speaking, expat-recommended hairdresser. I told her light layers and showed her what I currently had and then demonstrated the length to take off, two or three inches. Well she had a ball with my hair and took off a whole lot more than I had wanted. I watched her gaily lop off big chunks of hair and I cringed a bit. She gave me some major layers and made it look wispy and thin on the bottom in the back. Now, I already have fine, thin hair so I try to keep the back looking thicker by cutting it in light layers. There was a lot of hair on the floor when she got done.
Just to back up a bit, I have always loved long hair and wished mine was as thick and pretty as other girls. That love didn’t change as I grew older. I even like long hair on guys. At 12, I have a vivid memory of my mother chopping all my hair off in a hated pixie cut. I cried. I looked like a boy and I really hated it. When I was allowed to grow it out, I never looked back and my hair was down to my waist during high school. Since then it’s always been fairly long. I like the options of putting up when I want or doing nothing with it. Only once did I try another short cut and again, as my hair texture is so fine, straight and flat, I could do nothing with it, and I got told I looked like a boy. Geez, thanks.
I didn’t get to see the back of the current haircut when she got done, but I liked the front so I was fine with it. Until I got back to my room and looked in the mirror. When I saw the back, I freaked out. Trigger! I was so pissed because she had not done what I asked her do. It was totally different. I felt like it looked horrible, stupid even, not straight, and very thin looking. Debbie kept telling me it looked good. I did not believe her. I was mad because it seemed like my hair was really screwed up, like it was two different haircuts and lengths in the front and in the back. Now, what’s funny about this is, on the way home, Debbie didn’t like her cut either and I said, I like it and hair grows. Sure, I can be super matter of fact when it’s someone else’s hair! Also, for years I have wanted something different but didn’t know what and was scared to try. Well, I got it this time.
Now, as this episode began sink in, I had to look at why I attracted this, why I created this**, and what was the message here? It was obvious to me once I calmed down and got out of victimhood that my hair is one of my strong attachments. This episode is about being able to let go of outcomes and assumptions. This is about attachment and another example similar to the towel dream. I guess I needed reinforcement on that subject. Really, did it matter that my hair got cut shorter than I wanted and that it was uneven? Does it matter that it’s totally different than I had directed? I have scissors with me, I can fix this, I cut hair all the time. And it’ll grow out rather quickly, it always does. Towels and hair. Trivial stuff. Let it go.
~My most recent example is letting go of a big fear˜ I have had about speaking my truth to my husband. That was a biggie. Perhaps the others were a buildup to this one so I could do what I did last night when I answered his last two emails asking the same question about our relationship. This time I was able to overcome the fear and say what I needed to say while staying in my own truth. Successfully.
While all of this was coming up for me, Veronica Torres asked for suggestions for the next Roundtable discussion with Eloheim. I suggested, Letting Go. Definitely a subject on my mind lately. Letting go of the old leaves room for the new to come in. Letting go of outcomes and fears makes room for infinite possibilities. My soul is definitely pushing me hard in this area lately so I can make room for new things and people to come into my life. It’s a good thing, and not very easy for most of us humans.
These are Eloheim and the Council video clips of their teachings. The sound on some of them is quite low and I find it easier to use earphones so I can hear. These teachings are the reason I can move forward in my life as they have given me practical and easy tools that I can clearly understand and use. I just spent four hours lost in their videos as I wrote this. I missed dinner. :p
¹Finding Comfort in Familiar Suffering : “Comfort is knowing your truth regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in.” The Girls, a member of the Council, speak about familiar suffering.
²Certainty is Limitation : “Certainty will never give you what you want. Certainty is asking you to hold still.” The Visionaries (from the Council) talk about how it’s not wrong to plan, but it’s wrong to let it put a cap on your experience. Plant seeds and let it grow.
³Leave Habit and Let Yourself Fly : Fred (from the Council) talks about letting go so you can fly. “I am safe and certain in my suffering.” Hilarious excerpt from the 2013 Eloheim Retreat.
*Fixating on Outcome : Eloheim expands on maximizing possibilities by not fixating on outcome.
**It’s Here Because You Put It Here! : Eloheim discusses how every single little thing that is in your life is there because you put it there for a specific reason. “You choose how you decide to work with it. Pull it out, lay it down and look at it.”
˜Your Big Fear : Veronica delivers a morning message given to her by Eloheim about looking at your big fear, how that leads to other fears lessening or going away.