To Send or Not To Send, That Is The Question

So my husband is still hoping for a reunion, he wants to “try again”.  That is not in my plans.  At this point and probably never, I have no desire to move back and be with him.  He wrote me last week, saying something to the effect that he would like to try again but it seemed like I didn’t love him anymore.

As I tried to write a reply, I felt emotions well up and tears drip down my face.  I was angry again, and hurt.  Triggered.  I felt manipulated, again.  I have done so much inner work on this situation yet there are still emotions buried even deeper than I knew.  It surprised me, the depth of my sorrow.  I guess with a forty year relationship, that’s to be expected.  So the reply I originally wrote was rather scathing.  I didn’t send it, instead I put it in drafts until I could calm down.

I reread it several times over the last week, each time taking stuff out and rewording things.  Still I didn’t send it.  But I felt better having written down my feelings.

Today I get another email from my husband saying he had been waiting for a reply.  Sigh.  He really didn’t want the one I originally wrote.

Tonight I finally answered him.  I wrote an entirely new one, took out all the blame and just expressed my feelings and my own truth.

I’m quite sure he won’t enjoy this reply either but he wanted to know.  I told him all I had to offer right now is the friendship we started out with and that I hoped he would take that since we do have a family together.  Things are different, I am different and so is he.  And that’s okay.  Staying the same is stagnation and that is what we did for years.  It’s time for truth and letting go of the fear of being seen for who I am.  Because I am someone who deserves more than I allowed myself all these years.

There was more to it, but that is the gist of it.

I don’t regret pushing the send button this time, but I have no idea which way he will react.  In any case, I spoke my truth from a centered space, and I feel good about it.  

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