I sat in meditation last night, visiting, and asking questions. One of those questions was, I am feeling stuck, I can’t see the path, can you show me the next step? My guide stepped aside, waved his hand behind him and I saw Dorothy’s yellow brick road unfurling behind him, running off into the distance. There it is, step on it. All you need to do is take one step at a time.
Damn it, I get it. I understand that visual. I do! And the distinctly human part of me says, damn it, that doesn’t help! I need something specific! I am here, now what?!
It’s really challenging to get three people moving in the same direction at the same time. I am antsy and ready to move forward. And though I am loving the slower pace, I also need to have a purpose and a feeling of fulfillment to my days. And now there are times I am doubting the wisdom of this choice of venue and direction. I am tempted to say, f— this and leave. I pulled out a map yesterday and scanned the States one by one, and each state had a “no” feeling to them for one reason or another. Snow, tornadoes, brown, expensive, not a tourist economy, the mind-set of the residents, the laws in that state~ nothing felt right. So I went further south and checked out the islands between Florida and South America. No. In the hurricane belt, too small, too difficult to open a business, not the American dollar. Again, nothing felt right. So I came back to Panama. And it just feels good to me. There’s a good feeling here. It tells me that this is where I need to start.
Eloheim once told me I am waiting for permission from others to do things. I had a talk with myself last night and realised I am still doing that. What would I choose if I were alone? I would have taken some steps forward last week. I would be doing more on the island. I feel like I “shouldn’t” do things without making sure I’m not excluding anyone. Last week’s message from Eloheim talked about the “templates” or narratives that run under our conscious lives. One of mine is, everyone else needs to feel comfortable and happy before I can relax enough to be happy myself. This is still in play here. I am still waiting for permission from someone to do what I want. If I do what I want to do, will I piss someone off? Perhaps, but the time is coming where it’s now or never. We have three independent women here, used to taking care of things so we’re all hesitant to take the lead. Something needs to change as I am so over waiting for others to be ready to move forward or to do something different.
It would help if I could just understand where that yellow brick road is in my physical life so I can step on it…..
I do not want to return home. That’s not where I belong anymore. I do need to find my own place in the world, be it with these three or with others or even, alone.
I love this place and these people. I have no idea where this path will lead, but I’m still here.