I’ve spent the last week coming to terms with and trying to understand my newest creation. I didn’t realise I was creating it but I accept that I did, albeit unconsciously. I thought I had completely let go of all I needed to let go of to move forward into my new life and was in the midst of creating what my heart wants, which is to change my life and to move and start anew in a warm climate with like-minded friends.
My paperwork from the fbi finally arrived in the mail Monday saying that the fingerprints were unreadable and therefore, they couldn’t do the background check that I needed for a visa. I literally threw a fit that night, a foot stomping, pissed off fit after I opened the envelope. And then cried all evening off and on. I was so mad and disappointed. I swore and ranted (to myself, glad I was alone!) and felt every bit of my emotions instead of swallowing them like I have done in the past. And every time I would calm down for a bit, those damn words would go through my head and the tears would start to flow again. I was only capable of feeling at that point. I looked like somebody died and felt like my dream had taken a hit.
Dammit, how many times do I have to do this before I get it right?! (A bit of being a victim and beating myself up ensued.) I don’t want to do it again! I was sooo careful to follow the procedure! (Authority issues there.) It took six weeks to come back, the maximum time they said it would take, so I had begun plotting the timeline for the rest of what I had to do, step by step, so I could finally leave. I was dreaming of being on the beach. (Jumping to the 50th step.) I really thought I had let go of all that I needed to let go and had come to a peaceful, loving acceptance with “leaving” my daughter behind. I felt I was just Being, going with What IS, feeling good and being calm while I waited for the paperwork. Guess not or I would have gotten the stamp I needed. (What the hell?? What did I do wrong now? What am I still hanging onto? More beating myself up.)
The only doubt I knew I had in this process was with the policeman who was doing the fingerprinting. He was zipping through the prints and I felt like it was not very carefully done, unlike the first time when I had them done by someone else. So, at the time, I was very uncomfortable at how he was doing it plus at all the people walking by who worked in that same building as I do-I kept wondering what they were thinking seeing me getting fingerprints done. I am sure that played a big part in what I created.
A bit over of the top, I know. This wasn’t the end of my world. It was the end of a specific timeline, a specific outcome and I felt very disempowered myself at that point. I had to take time to process this inside. I needed a break from even thinking about it.
It took me two days to become calm enough and clear enough to start to gain some clarity. My own Q&A was so helpful plus the signs of the songs I wrote about. And I have marvelous friends who offered different ways to look at this current scenario I created as well as some helpful tools.
I looked at the positive aspects. Well, I know how to do this now. I got a credit from the fbi so they aren’t charging me twice. I have a couple more weeks to get a paycheck so there will be more money in my account. I also looked at new ways to do it so I can leave earlier than six, seven, eight weeks. I got to shine the light on and clear out more emotional baggage. Perhaps the timing was not right for me to be in my new place now and in a few weeks, it will be. I get to be here for my daughter’s birthday this week. I spent all Saturday with my granddaughter and today I am taking her to the movies and will spend a few days with my grandson this next week while his mom is gone so extra quality time with all of them is great. Lots of positives.
I do feel better. I haven’t restarted the visa process yet but I will this week. I have already deleted the needed links I had previously saved so I have to do that research again. I don’t know when I will be able to leave at this point, but I’ll get there when the timing is right for me. And the timing depends on me, not some outside source. Eloheim told me once that “this won’t be easy!” and I didn’t want to believe them, but yes, they were so right. (Why do I ever doubt them?!) In the meantime, I continue to learn and grow every day.
Thank you to all my friends who helped me through this. Namaste.