This post started out as a short blurb on Facebook, but it evolved so quickly, I had to delete it and start over here. I have kept it in drafts for two days because I keep adding to it. The more I try to edit it, the more comes to mind. I kept following many paths, and in the process, what I have discovered at the root of it all is fear.
I like me. Even, dare I say, love me.
The problem is that I find it so much easier to be “Me” when I’m by myself. I enjoy being alone. And I really like me when I’m alone. I’m smart and loving and oh-so-talented then. I’m amazingly creative. I’m likeable, loveable and funny when I’m by myself or alone with my animals. I don’t even piss myself off! I laugh at my thoughts and antics, do what I want, think what I want and love every moment of it.
However, all that changes when I leave my own company and join with other humans. Then I find myself unconsciously restricting who I am and often become uncomfortable in my own skin. I forget to emanate the Me I am when I am alone, the true Me. I do this more than I would like to admit, knowing full well at the time that underneath it all, I am judging myself as lacking. I compare myself to other standards which then leads me to making sure others don’t find out the terrible fact that I am not up to those stringent standards they have no clue I’m setting!
It’s as though I am standing outside of myself watching my interactions, and I become Judgey McJudgeyperson. “Well, didn’t she just sound stupid there? Who does she think she is? She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. And look at those bags under her eyes, they’re all I can look at! Ugh. She has no power, no one needs to listen to her. Why is she talking? Her opinions are dumb. She sounds like an annoying know-it-all.” On and on. Usually, it takes just one of those feelings popping up, and trust me, most of them are not words, they are feelings, to send me back behind my walls.
(And in case you’re wondering how this writing gig fits in…it’s easier to be me here since I don’t have to look into your eyes and wonder what you’re thinking. I am alone when I write.)
The thing is, I KNOW I’m doing this! And yet, I still catch myself doing it. I have pulled back and restricted my spirit so often over the years out of fear of being judged unfavorably that it’s a bad habit. It seems I judge myself lacking first, way before anyone else does. Furthermore, somewhere in me, I believe it’s better to be quiet so that no one else notices my inadequacies. When I’m around another person and I do or say something that is more true to myself and then feel uncomfortable about it, I pull back like a turtle into its shell.
All this is fear-based. And comes from not loving myself unconditionally. Because when you do that, it doesn’t matter how other people perceive you.
Eloheim recently talked to my daughter about wearing a mask when she’s around other people, and I saw myself in their description. Not only is there a mask, but there’s a bit of a wall, too.
Awareness is one thing, changing a behavior is another. That takes practice.
Eloheim* often teaches about our emanation and how we present it – do we censor it, do we suppress it, do we let it shine? This past weekend as I watched Steve Rother, another channeler/teacher, talk about seeing a person’s spirit shining out through their eyes (which the group he channels has named “sexual energy”, also called chi by other teachers, and what Eloheim calls our emanation or stance) and showed us examples in people’s eyes, I put the two teachings together with a head-smacking aha. Oh my gosh, I bet my spirit in my eyes is frequently self-dimmed! In fact, I know it is. I have not let others see the real me very often nor very deeply for most of my life. I don’t let the larger Me shine out of my eyes. I look away or down. Experience has taught me that people don’t really like the real me. (I know that’s not true, it’s just happened often enough to make it feel true.) It’s been a challenge to force myself to look into other people’s eyes where they can see the Authentic Me in my own eyes. Which also keeps me from seeing their beautiful spirit shining out from their eyes. I looked at Steve’s examples and for the first time, realized how much I restrict my spirit when in another’s company.
This is a learned behavior, learned through pain. I am not in the moment, I am not even in my body at that point. I am over there > somewhere. It’s safer over there > somewhere. Or I am in the past, reliving some wound.
Currently I am learning to change this. Every day, most of the day, I am conscious of my emanation, what Eloheim is now calling your stance. It’s not always what I want to be emanating, but I am aware of it, which is a very good start. I want to like me completely all the time, not just when I’m alone. I want to emanate the being that I AM, I want to be energetically authentic at all times. Because, well, we live on a planet full of other beings and I really don’t want to be a hermit. Being alone all the time is not an option for me. And I want to feel good being me whether I’m alone or with someone else. (Now I wonder whether being quiet is not normal for me, maybe I am just restricting my spirit…..hmmm definitely gotta go ponder that one.)
And here’s where allowing myself to be vulnerable so others can see the true me comes into play. Here and Here are a couple of posts I wrote awhile ago about vulnerability, and it sure did me good to re-read them. Eloheim suggests we “abide in the discomfort” that the survival instinct throws up. Well, mine certainly has been actively keeping me from letting my true self shine. Powerful little bugger.
I want the ME I am to shine out of my eyes as a given, not as an option.