I Haven’t Stopped Loving Them, I Have Started Loving Me

This holiday season has me in a holding pattern right now.  I am not making plans or doing anything active towards moving at this point.  I am just enjoying this holiday with my kids.  I am finding myself taking special note of each interaction, especially with my loved ones, because soon I know this won’t be a frequent occurrence.  Soon I will be interacting with people I haven’t met yet.  Soon I will be making new friends and building a new family out of non-blood related folks.  That’s all wonderful and exciting yet I will miss the near daily physical interactions with my kids and grandkids.  So I am keeping my focus here and now while I am here and now!

My parents lived all the way across the country as I raised my kids, and I can remember only a couple of visits so there was almost no knowledge of each other.  I used to blame their lack of attention and desire to see them on me being adopted.  Now I understand that it was my father who drove the bus and my mother was merely the passenger who had no say in the direction.  It wasn’t about me or the kids.  She would have loved to be a grandma who did things with her grandkids but my father was not that kind of grandparent.  So she missed out on most of her grandkids growing up, not just my two.

I know a lot of grandparents who are off doing their own thing these days and rarely see the grandkids so what I’m planning to do is not unusual.  Of course, most of them are travelling with their spouses which won’t be my path.  No one here, except for a few, is going to understand what I’m doing but that’s okay, that’s their problem.  I have been available for fifteen and ten years for my grandkids and now it’s time for a change.  What’s nice to know is that I will be able to use Skype to talk to them unlike when my kids were little and phone calls were so expensive, and we can chat for free anytime!  And airplanes are a great invention, too.  Those will help me a great deal with missing them and them missing me.

Speaking of memories, today I take my ten-year old granddaughter out to return bottles so she can have money (which I will then supplement) and together we will go shop for a gift of her choice to give to her mom and brother.  We have done this for a few years now.  And I will pick up stocking stuffers for her mom so her son can stuff his mom’s stocking for me Santa before he goes to bed, something else we have done since her marriage broke up.  Will I be able to do either of these next year?  I don’t know.  Maybe we’ll make a new tradition next year and do it earlier in the year while I’m visiting them.  Today, she brought over a gingerbread house for us to build. Frankly, I am not interested in doing that, never have been, but will do it with her so she has this memory of us, and I will, too.  Christmas morning we get up and go over to my daughter’s house for breakfast and then we exchange gifts.  We have done that for years even when they lived two and a half hours away.  At dinner time they come over for a meal with us.

More moments I have sunk into this season: Three weeks ago as I cut about six inches off my granddaughter’s hair, I was thinking, wow I don’t know if I’ll ever trim her hair again!  So I took my time, enjoying myself, chatting with her while she sat patiently in the chair.  One of my favorite traditions is my annual shopping trip around Thanksgiving with my daughter.  It was so much fun this year and a memory we will treasure for sure.  On birthdays, my daughter and I often go somewhere special together.  We annually camp together.  I call the kids on their birthdays and make them listen to me sing to them while they cringe.  We always take them out to dinner of their choice.  All fun memories  that I will treasure.  These are all the good parts of being here.

The thing is, there are so many other parts that are tedious and unsatisfying for me, parts that I daily have to force myself to do, parts I just don’t do even try to do now, and parts that make me want to run the other way pretty often, that these moments are far outweighing the rest anymore.  The scales are so far out of balance, I have to make sweeping changes or I will slowly wither away or become a screaming, crazy person here.

I will make new traditions and memories with the kids and grandkids.  I am excited to make those new memories, I only hope they will be, too.  Meanwhile, I find myself so in love with my kids and grandkids and our shared moments, I am memorizing the details.

A year ago at the Eloheim Retreat, I got a clear message.  I heard I Choose Me quite emphatically in my head while I was waiting my turn to answer an Eloheim question.  I sat there kind of stunned as that was not what I was going to say!  Obviously it’s time for that choice at this time in my life, in this cycle.  This year at the Retreat, the message from my soul was What you need is Latitude and Gratitude.  Room to spread my wings and fly.  It’s time.

I found this quote I was going to have engraved on something for my daughter but haven’t yet.  I will before I go.  It says, Love knows no distance between a mother and daughter.  I plan to change it to, Love knows no distance and put it on a necklace for both my daughter and granddaughter.  If I can find something appropriate to do that on for my son and grandson, I will do it for them, too.  I want them to remember, I haven’t stopped loving them, I have started loving me.

I haven’t stopped loving them, I have started loving me. 

Ooh goosebumps.  Another message, straight from my soul.

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