Relationships: Are you your complete self?

I was recently cleaning out one of my email accounts and I found this bit I had shared with MF over a year ago.  It is still relevant to me, only now I feel I have embodied it emotionally instead of just intellectually agreeing with it.  This message is from Eloheim (of course) from 2009.

 

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From: Birth of The Council, Vol. 2   8-26-2009
Order here: http://amzn.to/TipUfC


And if you’re in relationships that you can’t feel like you can be your complete self in, you really have to look at that. And, of course, by being your complete self we mean do you have to lie? And not just tell falsehoods. But lie about how you are presenting yourself in this situation. Do you have to cheat yourself? Do you have to cheat them out of who you are in order to feel like they’ll put up with you? Are you giving away something of you in order to get something from them? And by giving away we mean leaving behind. Are you leaving who you are behind in order to get something from another person? We’ve said before, you typically get into relationships to have your fears fixed. What about you do you have to abandon in order to get that person to fix your fears? And wouldn’t it be more interesting to show up as your complete self and fix your fears yourself? That’s really the nuts-and-bolts of this thing. What are you leaving behind? And are you willing to let it be left? What are you leaving behind and are you willing to let it be left there?

Let’s just say it this way. If you could never get it back, would you do it? Is the payoff that good? That part of you that—let’s just pick something crazy—is very passionate about classical music and your partner thinks it’s just rubbish. And you say, “OK, well, I’ll never speak about classical music and I’ll never listen to it while I’m in this partnership, because he thinks it’s rubbish and if I spend any money on it he gives me grief, and if I have it in my car he’ll see it and he might get upset.” And we’re picking kind of an extreme example, but we’ve got to pick one. You’ve got this person who’s saying, “That’s not an acceptable part of you.” So you say, “OK, well, maybe it’s not that important to me.” What if you could never get it back? What if it was off the list forever? Would you leave it behind in order to get what you’re getting from that person? We came up with that extreme example because that’s actually what you do. Someone said to Veronica once, “It’s so interesting when you break up with someone because you get back the parts of you that you left behind or you get back parts of you that you forgot about. It’s just being recollected right now.”

Let’s go back to our example. You’re in a partnership with someone who can’t stand classical music, OK, great. You can make an agreement. “Fine, I won’t play classical music when you’re around but I’m not leaving it behind. If I have it in my car, if I spend some money on it, none of your business. That’s for me. I’m not going to cut off my left arm just because you don’t happen to think I need that arm. I happen to like that arm so I’m going to keep it.” It’s obvious when we use an example like that, but if it’s an example like, “I like to talk about my feelings,” or “I like to meditate,” or “I like to go see Eloheim on Wednesday nights,” or, or, or. Or subtle things, “I like to have a weekend with the girls twice a year. I want to go on a vacation by myself. I want to tell you how I feel about your behavior.” Or just, “I want to talk to you. I just want to talk to you. I want you to know who I am and I want to know who you are.”

And “Maybe it’s not all that interesting to you what I’ve got going on, but can you be interested in my interest? Can my delight over the fact that the new classical CD arrived be enough to pleasure you that I’m pleasured and you don’t have to listen to it with me but you can be happy that I have it? You can be happy that I’m happy.” That’s all.

And if your partner has something he likes to do—go watch the monster trucks or something that you have absolutely no interest in, you’re like, “He really likes to go watch the monster trucks”—well, you buy him a monster truck T-shirt to wear. And it can be completely ridiculous to you but his love of it can be the love you feel for him. “I love the fact that you love it,” is enough. “I love the fact that you love it. I love the fact that it really gets you going. I love the fact that you get your male companions together and you guys go monster truck–out. Here’s a cooler. I made you guys some sandwiches. Go monster truck yourself crazy. And when you come home I may not want to hear every story about it but I can probably handle hearing a couple because your excitement about it is contagious.” It doesn’t mean you have to like monster trucks to like him liking monster trucks.

That’s where there’s this strong desire for everybody to be the same all the time. “I need you to be like me so I feel safe around you, so that I feel that my opinions are right. You need to agree with me so that I feel safe having a judgment.” Remember we talked about judgments and preferences? A lot of times you want people to be like you so that your judgments feel safe to you. If it’s about preferences then you don’t need the person to be the same as you. They can be themselves. And you can say, “It’s not my preference to go monster trucking with you but I’m so excited that you’re happy. How can I make it easier for you? What would make it fun for you? Would you like me to make some sandwiches? Would you like me to get you something fun to wear?” Whatever. You participate in their excitement, not in the information. Do you understand that difference? This is what you can do with your friends. They have a hobby you’re not into but you can be happy about they’re having a hobby without it becoming your hobby. And it doesn’t mean you’re less close. It doesn’t take away from their interest. It’s like, “Oh, great! That’s exciting!”

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I have been in a long term relationship where I have left bits of myself behind, for years, just to keep the peace.  I recognise that now.  I see all the places where I have not let my real self out for viewing or to be enjoyed just so others can be happy.  It’s a little sad how I cheated myself out of much of who I am for most of my life, basically out of fear.  I want to hug that girl. 

When I do pick the pieces of myself up and use them, like the travel-loving piece, my husband is usually not happy and is quite capable of making life unpleasant for me (if I choose to let it bother me).  Over the years, I have almost always been happy for him when he goes off and does the things he loves to do that I don’t want to do.  I rarely get the same happy for me in return. 

Well, I am done with that scenario!  It is past time for it to end.  He can make himself unhappy, by himself, from now on.  I am leaving that to him and not dragging it around with me anymore.  His happy is not my responsibility.  I have learned what it was he had to teach me, and now it’s time to do something new. 

I am beginning to pick up those pieces of me I have dropped along the way.    

How interesting to find this message again at this particular time because lately I feel like I have turned a sharp right hand corner in how I feel about myself and about my relationships.  It’s definitely taken me a long time to get to this point.  Yes, I admit it, sometimes I am a bit slow on the uptake.   

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4 responses

  1. Thank you again Dorothy for an eye opener…I don’t want out of my relationship but have found I can no longer let it bring me down with him…he needs to make his own happy !!! and I have gotten a little job and it gets me out of the house 20 hrs a week and I can’t believe how that little break lets me handle things at home so much better..you post has put it into works for me..thanks you again dear friend…

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    • Wonderful Pat! I am so glad you are nourishing yourself! Now you know why I am such an Eloheim fan, eye openers and ahas abound. I literally would still be crying over what a victim I am in my life and feel like I have no choices instead of feeling empowered like I do now. I am so happy for you, getting that job and doing something for yourself. Big hugs my friend.

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  2. I remember when I was typing this particular passage. It was profound for me as well. It supported me as I disengaged from a marriage that was not supportive to me. Thanks for reminding me of how far I’ve come since then.

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    • You’re welcome. You’ve come a long way, baby. 😀 It is so profound. And really, simple. (Why does it seem to take me so damn long to get it sometimes?!)

      I love these reminders of how far we’ve come (or not). These older messages are just as pertinent now as they were then, it’s just that different levels of understanding seem to happen each time they are read.

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