Change. A subject I have considered for well over two decades. I tried to do little things to satisfy the need, like changed my hair color, went on mini vacations, changed my house decor. While all were fun, none were really what I wanted. It’s like craving chocolate and having everything else in the house but chocolate, all the while trying to ignore what your taste buds really wanted all along. Finally you give up and have the damned chocolate! At least, I do. Should have had it first and saved all the calories lol. Ahh, that’s what I wanted.
What I really want in my life are kind, spiritual people, sunshine, warm weather, water all around me, and the option to explore new experiences without being given grief about it. Freedom to be me. Is that too much to ask? Well, I thought so for years.
This past week, I asked Eloheim a question during their monthly Q&Q concerning all the obstacles and detours that keep popping up as we make our way towards our big change, our move to another country. It has been one hassle after another, paperwork, people, and the most recent thing this past week was about the house we thought we had settled on with the owner, who now is changing her already agreed on parameters.
Here is part of their answer to me:
So what happens is that although you’re dependent on people to collaborate on this project (they cited several examples, ie money, resources, housing, timing), you can’t make your decisions based on their decisions. It’s another example of what you’ve been doing all your life, making decisions based on other opinions. Part of the reason is that, part of your having hesitations and roadblocks, part of you is going, Well if so and so doesn’t get her paperwork (etc.) then I … (ie can’t go right now, should wait until next month, etc.). It really needs to be “I”, this is a good time for “I” statements.
We know you want your friends, and you have to work with their things too, but the true story is this, even if both of them backed out for whatever the reason, would you go? Ask yourself, am I ready to start my new life? Am I committed to it? That alignment is what you need to examine – where are you generating static?
You need to see where are you not willing to go, where are you hesitant – all along you have put other people opinions and needs and desires in front yours, energetically that looks like little roadblocks to you.
Even the owner of the house is giving you the same energetic, the Go, No-Go energy. So, in that case, it’s more a sense of – I am waiting for someone to give me a good reason not to follow my dreams. So I’m creating hesitation in order to have more surface area for static. You’re waiting around for someone to tell you you can’t have your dreams.
It’s not gonna be us. (big grin)
The idea of staying put until the holidays, we get it. We just hope that is not being used to not follow your dreams. Be careful about that. Be really cautious. Just watch it. You are energetically doing what you’ve been doing all your life, generating places for people to tell you no, a surface area for no – How do you think you can afford that, who do you think you are to dream this dream, what makes you think you deserve to do this? There is surface area for people to tell you don’t.
We know you’re a mom, it’s a little like when you have dreams as an adult but the kids come first. Now substitute anything for “kids”. Really seriously rethink your idea of leaving after Christmas. We know it would be more money to go and come back for the holiday. There’s a part of you, waiting three more months – it’s just too easy for your old patterns to grab hold of you again. We just feel like, you gotta strike while the iron is hot. Energetically if you wait for your friends to tell you they’re ready, then you’re just waiting for another person to give you permission.
So, this hit home. It really sunk in this time, especially as the whole Q & A with Eloheim this month seemed to be aimed directly at me. (Most of us think this as we listen to them so that is not an unusual sentiment.)
Here is an answer to someone else’s question about change that helped me a lot:
A: No one does that (change with ease and love). You don’t break through with ease and grace. Strive to do it effectively, thoroughly, consciously, patiently. You’re transforming radically, coming out of the chrysalis. It’s a new time. You’re in a new time. New energy. Change is a masculine energy. Balance includes both feminine and masculine energies. Change is forceful, going forward, go after it, seeking energy.
You don’t want it to be easy, change is very seldom easy, so asking for change to be easy is usually asking for you not to change very much. The process of changing is rarely easy, it’s usually pretty fierce. It’s an act of ripping, tearing, throwing old things away, bringing in new uncertain things. It’s like an iceberg calving off, it’s thunderous. Like a chick coming out of the shell, it’s a fierce act of courage. It’s not pretty or graceful.
So yeah. I wanted change to be easy and when it wasn’t, I would give up. If I got criticism or resistance, I felt like I was wrong and the other person was right, so I gave up. Some things, I stayed the course with and it was not easy. Ever. I was always tested by others to see if I would give in. And I wondered if I was wrong. It was far easier to cave and let the other person have their way about things.
Underneath though, I was not happy with the status quo. I always felt cheated out of life, I settled all the time for far less than I wanted. I would think, why do “they” get to do, go, have and I can’t? Because I allowed others’ opinions to have the deciding vote! Because I decided I wasn’t worth doing, going, having! You can tell how I am changing that perspective in the last five years. I have taken myself on 4 big, solo trips, against the wishes and strong objections of my husband. I have taken many trips five and six hours away to see family by myself over the last twenty years, but these were way more expensive and involved much more time. Taking these trips were huge steps, for me.
You know, these days sometimes I feel like I am 18 and just starting to explore who I am all over again. At 18 I had a boyfriend and basically was not alone, though I often felt like it. I had the security of knowing he was there if I needed. I explored, within “safe” limits, based on him a lot. These trips, I had to take care of myself and it was fine, I was fine. I enjoyed the taste of freedom immensely. It whetted my appetite for more.
Change is so hard for me to follow through with if it’s big. Little things I can do. It’s the big ones that I have to take slowly. Now I understand why. I’ve allowed other opinions to matter more than mine. I did tell my daughter last month that I have lived for everyone else all my life and now it’s my turn. So I was beginning to understand this before Eloheim answered my question.
Of course, now I am having to consider my friends’ opinions, needs and wants in this endeavor. And definitely, I want to be considerate. But Eloheim asked me to ask myself, would I go if they backed out? I’m not sure if I would head to Panama by myself but I definitely would go somewhere else other than this area. I would go somewhere warmer with access to water and maybe a spiritually minded friend or two nearby, and at least be based in an area with people who speak English as a first language. For now. Maybe an island in the Caribbean. Then I would travel to those other places. In any case, I would be living elsewhere.
The commitment is there. I told my friends and Eloheim, I want to be in my new home the first of the year. I want to start my life in a new place in the new year. I want to celebrate my next January birthday on the beach with my friends, toes in the sand, sunshine on my face, and a margarita in my hand. My birthday next year is 1-14-14. I love those numbers. That’s my plan. Hold me to it!