Do you trust yourself? Do you ever make a decision and then wonder if it’s the right one?
Trust is a big deal to me. Trust in others and especially, trust in myself. And it’s something I have been struggling with healing for a long time. Only lately have I realised just how deeply entrenched this lack of trust is in me. The trust issue is not really about others, it is about trusting myself. As I understood more and more over the last several years, I began working on reintegrating trust back into me, always thinking, well maybe this time I’ll be able to free myself from this limiting behavior.
Obviously unsuccessfully or I wouldn’t still be working on it.
Basically, I am referring to being able to trust my own decisions. Being able to trust my own abilities, intuition and innate wisdom to make “good, acceptable” decisions. Yeah, to whom do these have to be good and acceptable decisions? I have often felt like I am not “smart” enough, and don’t know what the hell I am talking about or doing, thus making my choices suspect. And certainly, the choices and decisions I make must be perfect because otherwise the consequences might be painful, make me look bad or feel even worse about myself.
It all leads back to a lack of faith in myself.
As a result, I have spent a lot of time second guessing or beating myself up for my choices and decisions. Or being paralysed by indecision. My tendency in the past has been to rethink and question every decision and choice I’ve ever made. I have doubted, often. Not nearly as much as I used to, but as I did some inner work this week, I realised that this lack of trust has permeated my entire life all the way from childhood to the present and It hasn’t gone completely away yet! And you know what, that includes writing this piece! Not a happy or easy way to live, for sure.
After each unpleasant situation I was involved in or felt bad about, after every time I opened my mouth and then was criticised for what I said, after every time I regretted a choice I had made, my lack of faith in myself grew, rooting itself deeper and deeper. I really have problems trusting my decisions, unsure if they are the “right” ones. I might listen to my first hit of intuition, but then I rethink and re-evaluate and doubt until all that’s left is tatters of the original thought lying on the ground and me struggling to find a way to make it work.
When I really dove in to see what was going on, I could see that there are two distinct facets to this issue. One obviously, is the lack of trust in myself. Do I know enough to make this decision? Two, is allowing others to tell me which is the “right” way to do or think about something. I doubt my abilities when I give my power away to someone else, thinking they know better than I do.
When I was learning Tarot, at first I struggled to open my mouth and share my thoughts, fearing I was wrong. Positive I was wrong, actually. That was a great way to get me to begin to trust my intuition because I usually was right on in my readings. Each reading I did gave me more confidence and allowed the trust in myself to grow. Spirit knew it was what I needed to get me going on this path of self-love because I never even thought about doing Tarot readings until several someones pushed (and pushed) me to try it. I have continued to expand my self-confidence every year since then.
Still, after doing some timeline work trying to heal something that has been bugging me this week, I came to know that distrust of self is still present and that this is not a single lifetime issue. I believe I have dragged this mistrust into every life with me, over and over. From the meditation work I did, I actually felt the beginnings were in Atlanta/Lemuria when the choices I made at that time helped to undermine the civilisation. Of course, I cannot prove this to my satisfaction but it feels right. Other lifetimes reinforced how personally dangerous it was to have opinions and make decisions. To top it off, as I passed through scenes from this current life, I could see places where others have slapped me down and questioned my choices over and over, until I had very little confidence left in my abilities to choose anymore. The decisions I made pleased no one, least of all me.
-For example, I wanted to go to college for hairdressing, my parents told me no, you are too smart for that, so I didn’t trust my own feelings on the matter and did what they wanted instead. The degree I have, though useful, was never used in an official business sense as my heart was never in it.
-In general, if I spoke out, people got mad at me and I lost a friend or a connection. A lot of friends went away in school because I said what came to mind. It made me want to keep my thoughts to myself.
-As an adult, every single time I expressed a desire to do something to improve my home, I was told it can’t be done. And then given many reasons why. I must be wrong for thinking it could be done.
-If I went against the loudest opinion, I was overpowered and shouted down. I hate being yelled at.
Along the way, I learned that the choices I made were not often aligned with my wishes and felt “off” most of the time. I also learned that what I chose was not necessarily what others wanted nor up to their standards. I can see now how because those choices didn’t align with what they wanted or expected, criticism followed. From this, I took to heart that I never knew what I was doing and was wrong for what I did or said or wanted. Even when I actually followed through with choices based on my own preferences, there were still thoughts of “I shouldn’t be doing this, so-and-so doesn’t like that, it must be wrong.”
This lifetime I know I am meant to heal this lack of trust in myself. I once had a vision of kicking DOUBT up in the air like a football when I asked for some guidance. I really have worked hard at allowing the decisions I make, after careful consideration, to stand instead of wavering indecisively or changing my mind. I have even begun to make decisions based on my first impressions instead of pondering them for so painfully long.
What I learned this week as I did the inner work was that my choices are my choices. I am doing the best I know how at the moment and no one else needs to approve of me. I need to stop looking for validation from others. I am definitely not going to make choices the same way someone else does, I am not them. And I don’t need their approval. Also, my choices may not work out the way I thought they would, but that’s okay, too. I can make new ones if they don’t work out! That was a big aha for me. It doesn’t mean I am wrong or stupid and the decisions wrong. It means I am learning as I go along.
So the trick is to make the choice and move on without second guessing myself. Trust that I am doing the best I know how in the current moment and that I can choose differently if I need to do so in another moment.
At work this week, I had the perfect example of not second guessing my decisions. Late Thursday I was to drop off two kids, aged 7 and 10, at their grandmother’s house where they currently live. These are two smart, calm children and we have no problems transporting them. They asked me if they were going to daycare, I said no, my paper tells me to take you home. When we got there, there was no car in the drive and the girl said, I don’t think anyone is home. Maybe Uncle or Aunt is there. So I accompanied them to the door and we were met by an older teenager. I was confused, but asked, is this okay? They said yes so I left with questions in my head. Ok, maybe Grandma made these arrangements and will be home soon? The teen certainly looked old enough to be babysitting. So I did what I thought was supposed to do, which was leave them there. Turns out that was an incorrect assumption and Grandma called my boss to complain about having to leave work early and questioning why I left them there. Several things happened, one being that a change in address was made and then I was not told, and two, I didn’t totally trust my instincts to check on the situation before I left them. I made a decision that I will not make next time. But I also will not beat myself up for it, I will use that as learning for the next time. I also hope that next time when there is a change in a drop off address, it gets passed on! I used to spend hours rethinking and judging myself badly for things like this. Hamster wheeling at its finest. I now choose a different way to respond.
I really want to feel comfortable with myself as I make choices. I want to feel relaxed and confident when I decide on a course of action and when I choose which words to use to speak or write. This upcoming big move in particular is testing that faith in self, big time. But I’m getting there.
I trust myself completely. I trust my I AM presence to guide me. I trust in my choices.