More Explorations of It’s All Me

Look what showed up again in my awareness. 

It’s all me. 

Photo: Sometimes it can be so helpful to remember that everything around you is reflecting where you are on your path...

 How’s your evolution going?  Look around.  You can see it reflected in everyone around you.

Some days, some moments, life is excellent for me.  Then I go unconscious and it gets chaotic and unpleasant, and all kinds of people reflect that back to me.  And I wonder where the hell I went off track.

So I am really looking at where I lose sight of “it’s all me” and how often it happens that I am unconscious.  Many times I just float along unaware, and I get blindsided by another’s actions or feel annoyed because of something they did or didn’t say or do.

Instead of reacting with anger or hurt feelings, consciousness leads me to ask, Why is this in my face right now?  What is it showing me in myself?   This is all me so why is it here?

This consciousness stuff requires paying attention!

Where it is that I am unconscious in this scenario, and how have my expectations and beliefs been manifested by and for me?   Can I see how they played out exactly as I expected?  What in me is coming up for attention?

Other players continue to use the script I’ve given them and promptly forgot I gave them.  I can see where I have rewritten my script in many ways as so much of it has changed.  However, the old, basic plotline is still running underneath it all and that needs to be rewritten now.  First I need to look at it, good and hard.

The longest running script is my relationship.  It’s 40 years of scripting that needs an update.  And now I wonder, how is he all me?  I don’t want to admit he is all me!  He is not like me at all!

This is rather a painful path for my mind to follow, actually.  I feel like there are parts of me I don’t like down that path.  I’m not sure I want to shine lights on them.  They are like cockroaches that scuttle away under the cupboards when I do.  They would rather stay hidden.  I have chosen to point out and not like those cockroaches in him, so they must be reflections of me.

Ugh.

I will give you one example.  A year ago I found out two things about him that he had been hiding, not sharing with me.  One he knows I know, the other he does not.  I was so offended he had hidden them from me.  I’m his wife!  The one I made a fuss about to him was the bank account with a lot of money in it that I found out about accidentally.  He didn’t tell me he was depositing his checks in there.  I have asked him for years to put at least one paycheck a month in our joint account.  He does not unless I specifically ask each month.  He buys stuff for the grandkids, grown kids, dinners out, occasionally he will pay his estimated payroll taxes that we (I) pay quarterly, etc and says that is his contribution to the household and he was “saving for our future”.  Granted he doesn’t make much but I was mad he chose to put his checks in a separate account for his pursuit of owning apartment houses instead of sharing in the bill paying.  And then didn’t bother to let me know what he was doing.  Whatever.  I tucked it away, still mad.

Well, upon digging into this hiding stuff from me, guess what I uncovered in me?  The same shit.  He doesn’t know a lot about me anymore either!  I used to tell him everything, now I hide stuff from him all the time.  However, I didn’t consider it hiding, I considered it not sharing on purpose.  He obviously lacks interest in the things I love and I know he “doesn’t believe in that stuff,” so the money I have spent on pursuing my spiritual path, I never bothered to tell him about.  I handle all of our finances so what he didn’t know, didn’t bother him, nor me, was my feeling about it all.

Yeah, neither one of us is open with the other.  About many things.  I cringe when I think of myself as sneaky and less than honest.  And I cringe saying it here, you might judge me and it makes me tearful.  Yes, I tell lies, I avoid the truth.  Something that I have abhorred in others over the years.  That light sure is bright shining in my own eyes.  I don’t like myself much when I shine the light on these hiding places.  It feels to me as though I’m sitting in an interrogation room like a prisoner being questioned, cowering under a blinding, white light.  I must be bad.  Crap.  But it’s me doing the interrogating and judging.  And that is not what the light of consciousness is about.

The Girls and Eloheim tell me I can’t be mean to myself.  The light of consciousness is love.  Love is in everything, love made everything, even the parts we judge lacking.  If it’s all me, then I am love.

So I acknowledge this: It’s all me and I’m working on loving the part of me that is not open and honest.

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8 responses

  1. Thanks for sharing this writing..it is so where I am..got to get rid of the Oh poor me as my life take bends and turns ..you made me realize to step back and look for the “why” these things are happening and repeating..finding answers as I write..thank you again for sharing your life and knowledge..

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  2. Yes, this is wonderful, Dorothy. Perhaps we can try a little more of an attitude of play when we find script-holding. “Gee, I wonder what I can find here?” I actually dislike the “don’t be mean to yourself” rule because it’s stated negatively. I prefer to state the rule positively and find that helps me more. Ultimately, everything is just an experience. Look at it clearly, yes, acknowledge it, yes, but then remember you can make another choice and move on.

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    • Playful. I am working on that. I can change the wording to that to “Be kind to yourself.” And yes, I get to the point where I can change how I view things and make another choice. A part of the “watch it move” process. Sometimes it’s harder than others!

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  3. Such an honest examination. Dorothy, you are such an example to me of how to do the self-work required to move forward in our lives. Thank you for sharing this with your readers.

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    • Be prepared to cry Sue, that’s all I got to say. Sheesh, I do it to myself every time and still it surprises me. That’s when I know I have hit paydirt. So yeah, I made myself cry, sigh.
      I always pause before I hit the post button when I write stuff like this because I am still not sure I want to share so much of myself. Shining that light on my “flaws” is hard. But I do it because I am also working on overcoming my own fears of being seen. If I can do it, the queen of the cave, you can do this work too, Sue! Feel free to write me privately if it helps. Also, this happened in part because I had a long chat with Maya, wise woman that she is.

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