Somehow it became common knowledge at the Retreat that I have been dreaming and taking baby steps towards moving on to another country for months. Ever since my visit to Panama last December with my friend and her subsequent returns, we have been discussing the possibility of moving to Panama and opening a B&B/Retreat together. Saying this out loud to other than the two other people involved in the planning makes it become more real and not a dream anymore. The dream slipped out gradually at the Retreat and boom, now all these people know about it. I did not plan to discuss this there at all.
It’s one of those many dreams that I have had over the years that I have not truly acknowledged other than to dream it up, in great detail. I am good at that. Dreaming up something new and exciting and yet never taking it to fruition. I can’t tell you how many ideas I have had that seemed so awesome in my head or on paper yet remained a dream that I packed away in the closet. Everything looks good in my head. Do I actually do them? Rarely.
This current dream, and the others I have had in the past, feels like if I speak of it to others, then I have to follow through! And then everyone, including myself, will have expectations! Oh no, expectations I probably can’t live up to! So I keep quiet allowing me the option to change my mind or back away in fear. If I do do it and fail, then no one will be disappointed. If I don’t say it out loud, then no one will get ideas about me.
From an earlier post you can see how this is feminine oriented, we dream the dreams. It’s our masculine side/self/partner that takes it to reality in this world. Feminine is the dreamer, masculine is the doer. I have problems allowing my masculine side out to turn the dreams into reality.
Once I set my mind on something and put it into motion though, I can say I am excellent at getting it done. And I’ll want it done now. I am the organiser, setter-upper, the make-it-look-pretty, efficient person who will get it done when it needs to be done. I have a business administration degree and a background in food service, parties, banquets as well as running my daycare for years, putting on all kinds of events during each holiday, so I know I am good at this stuff. It’s just the actual transition from dreamer to doer that has all the roadblocks in my head. I think I have had so many ideas squashed by others that I no longer try too hard. It can’t be done, that way, has been a common answer to my suggestions or dreams.
What am I afraid of? Obviously I am afraid or I would have stepped out by now. And I completely understand how fear holds me back. Fear of failure. Fear of other opinions. Fear of the fiftieth step. Fear of choosing the wrong thing. Fear of survival.
Do I really have the abilities and courage to do this, I wonder? Is this what I really want? Am I choosing the “right” thing? Doubts creep in and linger on that hamster wheel, driving me crazy if I let them.
During my one-on-one session with Eloheim at the Retreat on Day 3, they looked me in the eyes, took my hands and said, It’s Go/No Go Time. As in a space shuttle launch. (I had been considering September/October as countdown time for awhile now so Eloheim got the analogy perfect. Of course!) Flip up the switches one by one to green for go: system one, check; system two, check; system three, check. Until all the switches are flipped up to Go. Launchtime! You don’t go back and rethink or recheck or redo an already flipped-to-go switch. The switches are flipped up to yes one by one, and if something is a no, fix it or abort the whole thing, No Go. I have most of the switches flipped up to Go on my launch board. And in order to avoid flipping the final switches (making decisions, choices about when, money, retirement accounts, etc), I keep going back to decisions I have already made and chewing on them (thanks Julian for that image lol). So I go back and rethink past decisions. Did I make the right choice? Maybe it would be better if I did it this way. Blah blah blah.
Eloheim told me no one will give me permission to go. Not everyone is going to agree with my decision. And it won’t be easy like I really want it to be. I want people to say, aw hon, just go, be happy, I understand. Yeah right, no chance of that happening! The people in my life have a vested interest in things remaining the same. I make life easier for them.
Yesterday my daughter had her own meltdown when it hit her that I truly am leaving. She told me she has had her head in the sand trying not to think about me not being here. She told me I am the only one in the family who is stable and grounded and sane (lol). She didn’t want to move back here in the first place and I am the only reason she did when her marriage split up. “And you will leave me here with Dad! He drives me crazy!” Omg child, talk about laying on the guilt trip! I thought I had raised a self-sufficient woman, and here the little girl in her was crying for mama. I think I was able to calm her fears and help her see I will only be a computer Skype call away and we will visit each other. I don’t see much of her anyhow these days (she said she has been trying to wean herself from me ) so it won’t be much different.
These thoughts and decisions are like hurdles at a track meet. I can either get off the starting blocks and go back to the locker room or I can start leaping them so I can get to the “finish” line. I have spent the last fifteen years or more on the fence of “should I go or should I stay” and instead of leaving, I stayed put out of reluctance to tip over the apple cart, out of reluctance to leave what’s excruciatingly familiar for uncertainty. Uncertainty is scary if you think too far ahead or too much, which I tend to do.
So what did I come away with from the Retreat? It’s Go, No Go time. I’m not a bad person for wanting to make changes. But I am responsible to make them since no one else will do it for me. Time to get off the fence. Time to sxxx or get off the pot. Do I want to live the same old life and die in it or do I make changes? The people at the retreat overwhelmingly supported me in what I want to do which was a new experience for me. Now I have to give myself permission to expand my own horizons. No one else will do this for me. In the past, it’s been my job to do everything for everyone else. This time, it’s all me, for me.