Being Me Is Perfect. For Me.

For as long as I can remember, I have thought there was something “wrong” with me for being a quiet person who gets nervous in social situations.  I am nervous to talk to new people, reluctant to make phone calls, and freaked out to state what I need to say to authority figures.  I will go out of my way to avoid such situations unless I force myself to go through with them.

I’ve always been a watcher, an observer and a thinker with little to say.  Until I get to know someone, I’m pretty quiet.  Lots of thoughts go through my head but I don’t always feel the need to share them.  When I do, sometimes I prefer to write them down.  I have to be feeling really passionate or confident that I have something of “value” to add to a conversation before the thoughts in my head come out verbally.  In groups of more than three, it’s a guarantee that I let others talk before me.

I have never condoned a basic part of my personality, the part that is an introvert.  It always seemed to be a flaw in my character.  I have always wanted to be more outgoing and more comfortable with others.  I envied those who had such easy-going manners and social skills.  I envied those who were comfortable in their own skins.  They always seem to know what to say and are confident in who they are.  I often mumble, say the “wrong” things or end up tongue-tied.  Or I have nothing to say and look very stand-offish.  In high school, I was labelled stuck up and a bitch because I was quiet and not very outgoing.  (Go figure how I ended up loving being a cheerleader for five years!)  I definitely allowed others to color my beliefs about myself and I allowed their judgments to become mine.  I saw myself as lacking [name a quality] and persuaded myself that I was “wrong” simply for being me.

I have made myself “wrong” for being who I am because I am not like others that I admire.

This past week, I was hugely triggered by our upcoming Retreat’s talent show.  Oh hell no! was my first reaction.  I can’t do that!  I had a meltdown just thinking about it.  I don’t have any talents to showcase anyhow, I thought.  Nope.  I’ll just watch!  Then my inner voice spoke up and told me I really need some help with this belief.  It’s an ongoing, deeply entrenched pattern that is holding me back.

So Friday I had a session with Veronica and Eloheim because I want to move past this.  During the session, Eloheim called me out on my self judgment, big time.  They made it clear that I am not wrong because I feel the way I do.  It’s just my truth.  Period.  Short, factual statement.  My truth is not wrong, I am not wrong for being in my truth, whatever that is.  And my truth is, I do get nervous around groups.  My truth is I am much more comfortable writing than speaking.  My truth is that I am quiet.  And it’s okay.  It’s my truth!

There’s nothing wrong with me like I always believed.  I’m okay as I am.  It’s not necessary to change that component.  What’s necessary is to let go of the belief I am messed up because I prefer to stay quiet and groups make me nervous.  I totally felt accepted and loved by Eloheim.  I felt comforted.  I felt the energy as they pushed for me to understand this.  And push they did.  I realised I am loved for who I am.  I’m okay the way I am.  I am not broken.  And of course, I cried (I seem to do a lot of that these days).  How freeing is that knowledge?!  You have no idea how much space was freed up inside me when I let that go.

Why didn’t I see this before with all I have learned in the last ten plus years?   Why did I need permission to accept that part of me?  I don’t know.  But hey, at least I get it now.

I can’t tell you how different I felt when I woke up the next day.   I walked around feeling so entirely ME that I was totally comfortable in my own quiet skin.  It gave me such confidence.

For example, I went shopping yesterday to find some gifts for people.  I was gone a lot longer than I had intended so the husband was less than thrilled.  When I got home, we could have had a tiff about it, but I didn’t feel the need to be defensive like usual.  (Because I felt confident in my actions.)  I didn’t apologise for or explain why I was gone for so long, it was a fact,  a done deal, and it was my truth though I did tell him about my day.  His reaction to me?  Far different in return than normal.  Very interesting.  Very, very interesting.  I accepted me, and he did, too.  We created dinner together and the evening was fine.

Popeye was called to mind after my session, “I yam what I yam!”  Period.  Short, factual statement.

Pass the spinach, please.   😀

 

Raising my glass to synchronicity…today my friend posted this article Myths About Introverts  to my timeline on Facebook.  I love it!

 

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7 responses

  1. That’s a heartening story, Dorothy. I’ve seen the same story play out through my son who is also an introvert and it has been a real lesson for me to accept that he is wired differently to me and he is absolutely fine as he is. It’s all social conditioning because the western world view is that to be an extrovert is socially acceptable, to be an introvert means there is something wrong with you. Have you ever read The Power of Quiet by Susan Cain? Or seen her talk on Ted. It’s about exactly this, love to you, Sue

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