For as long as I can remember, I have thought there was something “wrong” with me for being a quiet person who gets nervous in social situations. I am nervous to talk to new people, reluctant to make phone calls, and freaked out to state what I need to say to authority figures. I will go out of my way to avoid such situations unless I force myself to go through with them.
I’ve always been a watcher, an observer and a thinker with little to say. Until I get to know someone, I’m pretty quiet. Lots of thoughts go through my head but I don’t always feel the need to share them. When I do, sometimes I prefer to write them down. I have to be feeling really passionate or confident that I have something of “value” to add to a conversation before the thoughts in my head come out verbally. In groups of more than three, it’s a guarantee that I let others talk before me.
I have never condoned a basic part of my personality, the part that is an introvert. It always seemed to be a flaw in my character. I have always wanted to be more outgoing and more comfortable with others. I envied those who had such easy-going manners and social skills. I envied those who were comfortable in their own skins. They always seem to know what to say and are confident in who they are. I often mumble, say the “wrong” things or end up tongue-tied. Or I have nothing to say and look very stand-offish. In high school, I was labelled stuck up and a bitch because I was quiet and not very outgoing. (Go figure how I ended up loving being a cheerleader for five years!) I definitely allowed others to color my beliefs about myself and I allowed their judgments to become mine. I saw myself as lacking [name a quality] and persuaded myself that I was “wrong” simply for being me.
I have made myself “wrong” for being who I am because I am not like others that I admire.
This past week, I was hugely triggered by our upcoming Retreat’s talent show. Oh hell no! was my first reaction. I can’t do that! I had a meltdown just thinking about it. I don’t have any talents to showcase anyhow, I thought. Nope. I’ll just watch! Then my inner voice spoke up and told me I really need some help with this belief. It’s an ongoing, deeply entrenched pattern that is holding me back.
So Friday I had a session with Veronica and Eloheim because I want to move past this. During the session, Eloheim called me out on my self judgment, big time. They made it clear that I am not wrong because I feel the way I do. It’s just my truth. Period. Short, factual statement. My truth is not wrong, I am not wrong for being in my truth, whatever that is. And my truth is, I do get nervous around groups. My truth is I am much more comfortable writing than speaking. My truth is that I am quiet. And it’s okay. It’s my truth!
There’s nothing wrong with me like I always believed. I’m okay as I am. It’s not necessary to change that component. What’s necessary is to let go of the belief I am messed up because I prefer to stay quiet and groups make me nervous. I totally felt accepted and loved by Eloheim. I felt comforted. I felt the energy as they pushed for me to understand this. And push they did. I realised I am loved for who I am. I’m okay the way I am. I am not broken. And of course, I cried (I seem to do a lot of that these days). How freeing is that knowledge?! You have no idea how much space was freed up inside me when I let that go.
Why didn’t I see this before with all I have learned in the last ten plus years? Why did I need permission to accept that part of me? I don’t know. But hey, at least I get it now.
I can’t tell you how different I felt when I woke up the next day. I walked around feeling so entirely ME that I was totally comfortable in my own quiet skin. It gave me such confidence.
For example, I went shopping yesterday to find some gifts for people. I was gone a lot longer than I had intended so the husband was less than thrilled. When I got home, we could have had a tiff about it, but I didn’t feel the need to be defensive like usual. (Because I felt confident in my actions.) I didn’t apologise for or explain why I was gone for so long, it was a fact, a done deal, and it was my truth though I did tell him about my day. His reaction to me? Far different in return than normal. Very interesting. Very, very interesting. I accepted me, and he did, too. We created dinner together and the evening was fine.
Popeye was called to mind after my session, “I yam what I yam!” Period. Short, factual statement.
Pass the spinach, please. 😀
Raising my glass to synchronicity…today my friend posted this article Myths About Introverts to my timeline on Facebook. I love it!