My friend made this analogy about our familiar sufferings popping up like the carnival game of whack-a-mole.  So pertinent!

Yesterday I discovered that what I thought I had already completely healed, popped up to tell me no, it’s not, here’s another layer for you to see and heal.  This is old stuff from my childhood.  I can talk about what happened and how I felt and go into details and feel detached and at peace and like I had forgiven and released it all.  Yet yesterday, during a conversation with a favorite foster mom who just had her foster boys signed over to her for good, I realised that I still have painful emotions and memories attached to my placement in foster care and adoption four years later.

As I spoke about my feelings of separation from my brother when I was 8, I began crying.  I wanted her to know that separating those siblings from the other three brother and sisters with whom they have been visiting weekly for the nearly three years those little boys have been in care truly hurts my heart.  I’ve been there.  I told her I hope they keep the boys in contact with their siblings.  That is my wish for them.  I can see how much the kids care about each other and it would be harmful to let them grow up and never see their brothers and sisters again.

My brother was removed from the foster home we were in together and I never saw him again.  We are a year apart in age and when I tried to find him in my forties, social services told me the records were sealed and they couldn’t give me any information.  An adult is not allowed to know her sibling!  I realise he is just my human brother and this life is an illusion, a game, and only a small piece of the whole, yet I feel connected to him and wished to know him again.  As a kid, I never knew I wouldn’t see him again.

So, this potential adoption of these little boys I have transported for so long really affected me and I was taken by surprise.  The adoptive mother is aware and caring and I’m sure she will make good efforts to stay connected with their birth siblings.

Many tears flowed yesterday and I still feel tender about it.  I am stunned at how deep and strong this emotion was, hiding inside me until now.  Amazing what pops up unexpectedly, exactly like the carnival game, and just when you think you are finished with it.


2 responses

    • I agree, Sue. I buried the pain and sadness deep. Here I believed I had worked through it all and released it, when in truth, it was just pushed so deep I couldn’t feel it. Sigh. Well, now I see it. That’s the hardest part for me. To actually see it. And then to let go of the resistance of perhaps experiencing the pain again. But only going through that process can the emotions be loved and healed. I learned a lot from my childhood and it’s time to let the pain go and live the wisdom gained.
      I know I am not alone in this processing…..and I find my greatest source of aid to be my guidance, my meditations, to asking for help from my spiritual team with the healing. I ask for help all the time. And I feel it given when I ask. So grateful for that knowledge!


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