I’ve been doing a lot of purging lately, both of material things as well as the emotional energies stuck in my body. Every weekend lately I sort and bag clothes, trying to reduce my clothing to three suitcases worth to take to a warmer climate. I have tons of sweaters! Last weekend I also sorted jewelry, looking to see what I could sell if I felt the call to do so. Today I found the box of letters I wrote during college breaks to my then boyfriend, now husband. I have been wondering where I stuck them and knew I wanted to shred them for many reasons.
I pulled them out of the envelopes one at a time and read them before putting them in the shredder. Even back then, I was a prolific writer. I would write him six page letters every week during the summers we were apart and nagged him when he didn’t write back as much as I did.
I discovered a lot about myself as I re-read those old letters. Many emotions came up in the process; dismay, sadness, disbelief, and a feeling of, who the heck was this person? I do not remember her like this. Strange.
Mostly I learned I am not that person anymore. She was immature and rather thoughtless. And boy, she had no filter back then. Whatever she thought, she said. At least to him. She told him things that I can’t believe she actually said! I wonder how much he listened because now I know that men are not “word” people, for the most part. They are doers and would rather we get to the point with far less drama and wordage involved.
She told him everything. Poor guy lol. She was also completely in love with him. Or what she believed was love. Now I can see she lacked self-confidence, was very needy and security-driven, and constantly looking for validation from the outside.
Over the years, I learned to put a lid on sharing everything I thought, felt or did with everyone. Not everyone wants to hear my thoughts (I know, shocking, right?) on how to organise or spend or raise kids or whatever else I thought you might need to know for a better life. In the process of learning this, I went in the complete opposite direction and I shut myself down, a lot. I put myself in a box of my own making to avoid upsets and confrontations and pain.
Yesterday I had an energy healing session with someone who saw me stuck at the bottom of something resembling a giant soup can and there was a hand coming down to pull me out. Over the years I had put myself in a small, confined space and now I am pulling myself back out. Yes. Exactly.
Coming out of this confined space is not easy. I am having to release old pains, old programs, old agreements, old emotional debris. It’s a work full of tears and then replacing them with love as they fall. I had forgotten how to love myself. I judged and criticised and belittled myself. I took on others’ opinions and internalized their judgements about me. Do you know how hard it is to look in a mirror and say I love you? I approve of myself? Try it. It feels very weird and wrong at first and yet, very empowering and has been an important step for me. I am learning.
This past week has been intense and guilt has been in my own personal headlines, one I focussed on in yesterday’s energy session. The message about guilt came up over and over this week. I thought I had done the work in the past with releasing guilt but no, it came up to bite me several times recently and lots old stuff kept popping up in my head. I knew I still had work to do with this issue. So now I am forgiving myself for things I’ve done and regretted. I am letting go of the past so I can move forward with ease and grace. Intense stuff.
The letters made me realise how far I have come. And today, they didn’t trigger guilt so it seems I have had a successful releasing session with it. It does seem like I have come around full circle though. Back to the Me who spoke her truth. But no more open mouth, insert foot. Now it’s expression tempered with wisdom. I can express who I am but with the wisdom to know if it’s helpful and loving to do so.
I don’t know why I kept all those old letters but I’m glad I did. I can compare me to me, and I’m proud of how far I have come.