Ch-ch-changes

The last two weeks have been an eye opener for me.  I have been on this journey of self discovery for years and it seems like I am always uncovering glazed over and stuffed away emotions.  I am seeing the places where I have let things float and also the times when I don’t address what needs addressing and just push it down.  I have found in me deep pockets of resistance to change and why.  Now I have begun turning the keys to open those doors, figuring out why, forgiving, releasing, clearing, crying, comforting my little inner child.   The push to change and move forward is so strong I cannot resist it anymore.  It’s time.

I had a discussion with someone last week and told them the next day I felt like I am melting into a puddle on the ground, a puddle of ooey gooey me.  No form.

Three times in one week, my family gave me signs that I put too much into their lives and it would be best if I stepped back.  It took all three in the space of two days to make me have the aha.  As Eloheim teaches, I am working on “keeping my feet under my own shoulders”, no trying to help unless it is asked for, no storytelling, no offering unsolicited advice both to my family and to others.

The problem with this for me is figuring out when I am not speaking my truth and when I am overstepping.  I have been reminded many times how much I hold back so this is a bit confusing for me at times.  It’s a work in progress which requires a great deal of consciousness on my part.

As most of you who know me are already aware, I have resisted making the final move to end my relationship of nearly forty years.  Turns out I have this feeling in me that it’s all my fault for how screwed up it is and how I obviously haven’t done enough to make it right.  Somewhere deep inside me I have taken full responsibility for everything.  And of course, if it’s all my fault then everyone else will blame me for the breakup and think badly of me.  That kept me stuck.  I have needed a more blatant reason to change the status quo, one that is unmistakeable both for me and for others, one other than we just don’t fit anymore.  Of course, over the years when I have been offered more substantial proof, though subtle, I have glossed over it.  I trust.  Until I don’t.  And now I don’t.

When I finally decided to let go last week and made some physical steps to move on, I got the proof I needed that, as I phrased it, put the final nail in the coffin.  Friday I decided on the spur of the moment to go to NJ to visit my brother’s family.  I was missing them and have had a bit too much family togetherness here.  Before I left, I had the thought that I would go to the store and pick up bread and milk so my husband would not have something else to complain about.  I never worry about that when I go away, I usually let him take care of that stuff for himself when I’m gone.  As I walked in the store I ran into his business partner, a friend of mine, not his though lol.  I haven’t seen him in a long while and we got to talking.  Out of the blue he confirmed for me, without me asking, something I had considered but thought I was wrong for even wondering.  Nope.  All true.  I feel I was guided to go to that store for that very reason.  Then while in NJ talking about my brother with my niece (we both miss his physical presence right now) she tells me things he said that I never knew.  And it all confirmed what I had just learned in NY.

I am feeling my way through this minefield one step at a time.  It’s needed and I am ready.  It’s time.  The energies of April are pushing!  Lisa told me in January that the second quarter of 2013 would be when my life would change and that I needed to do it or Spirit would do it for me.  So true.  So true.

One of these days, I will be posting from Panama…..

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5 responses

  1. Something I have learnt about recently is repression, Dorothy and how we repress a lot around dysfunctional relationships in order to let our ego’s carrying on functioning. And all these feelings of not rightness get swept under the carpet and become suppressed. Once that repression goes as has happened to you it all seems to finally shift but it is a long process of unwinding in my experience. What happened to me was that spirit dived in and gave me a big shock to start the process and then followed it up with another one recently which has enabled me to view a 25 year marriage with new eyes. Sounds like something similar is happening to you. You’re not alone! It feels like a process of unsticking myself, love to you, Sue

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    • Sounds like we are processing similar stuff right now, Sue. Yes, unsticking myself is a good analogy. Hacking up a hairball right now, too, lol. New eyes, for sure. All I thought was true, likely is not. Ah well, it was a very useful learning experience I guess I needed to have. And now I am so done. Much love right back at you.

      Hey, need a roommate? LOL!

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