We spent the day yesterday moving my daughter’s family into their new place. They slept there last night. Boxes fill the rooms and only in the kids room can you see the floors. My daughter has a lot of work to do! I will help, if she asks, but I’m not going to run over there and volunteer. My feeling right now is, she needs to run her own show and ask for help instead of letting me come in and direct like she usually does. Time to for her to figure things out. And I need to step back since I don’t plan to be here to rescue her much longer.
I called yesterday in the morning to say, Let me know what you want me to do and when she said, oh I don’t know and did not give me anything concrete, leaving it up to me, I simply replied, Well let me know and hung up. I just smiled and sipped my coffee and waited. About an hour later, she called back and directly asked for my help, so at that point I went over. That’s huge for me because normally I would have gone over and just jumped in and started working, directing and keeping them all on track. I’m leaving it up to her now just like I did for my son many years ago. I always thought I was being a helpful and a supportive parent, but it doesn’t come off that way I guess. I don’t tell them how to live, I just like to help organise stuff and I’m good at it.
Signs this week have shown me where I have overstepped boundaries and let my inner control freak speak her opinions when it’s not my business. Here I thought I was doing good, well better anyhow, about not letting my control freak side take over so it has been kind of a shock to have that flung in my face. Times I thought I was expressing interest or caring about someone apparently comes out as controlling. Or someone else interprets it that way. Yesterday when we stopped to eat a quick lunch, I saw that my daughter had eaten pizza which usually means her stomach rebelling and cramping (gluten intolerance) in pain the same night she indulges, I said with concern, Why do you do that to yourself? And my son replied, Why do you care? It’s not your problem. Oops, okay, in my face, I got the message. It is not my problem… Hard to stop being mom even though your kids are in their 30’s!
I am finding it difficult to know when I am expressing an opinion or a preference or exchanging ideas or coming off as judgemental these days . There’s a fine distinction I haven’t quite got a grasp on yet.
Anyhow, she is moved. Still is lots of unpacking, painting (kitchen, laundry room, pantry) and fixing left to do but it’s extremely livable there. And she will need to ask for my help for any of it. And the other place still needs to be cleaned but I doubt I’m going to help with that. I did clean out both kids rooms yesterday and washed baseboards down and swept and vacuumed. Gonna leave the rest of it to those who lived there and dirtied it! Besides, my own house needs a good cleaning. It’s looking a little neglected and dirty itself.
My head and heart is still in Panama with my friends who are there currently. MF had a great medical check up this time and they are enjoying deepening the connections we made three months ago while exploring the country some more. They are also checking out B&B’s to see what is available. It’s scary and exciting to think about doing this but when I need a pick-me-up, Panama is where I go in my head.
So that is where I am right now. In the cold and snow and chaos physically, but somewhere else considerably warmer in my dreams. I hope you are all well.