Security and Trust

Prosperity.  Abundance.  Security.  Trust. 

All the above are concerns of mine, for many of us, I’m pretty sure.  My friends and I are currently discussing a move to Panama, “retirement” if you will.  We don’t want to just live there nor based on what funds we currently have available, can afford to just bask in the sunshine, eating chocolate.  We have dreams.  We have a desire to open a Bed & Breakfast/Retreat place for those who wish to either relax, be a tourist or take part in a more structured program which we will offer.  We have lots of ideas.  And one couple MF met even asked us if we wanted an investor.  Panama is a beautiful place with kind people and ideal for that kind of opportunity.  We feel very drawn there.  That’s the dream three of us are looking into right now. 

For me, and I know I speak for the others, the issue I am having with leaping with faith is not being secure in the belief that we can come up with the money to a. buy a place b. make payments and c. live well!

I think this is a big sticking point for me and has kept me where I am for years.  Not that I am or ever have been “rolling in the dough”, but I have all I need and if I wanted something, I can find a way to get it.  I have the security of family around me to lend a hand, if not money.  So if I move away, I leave this behind.  Now, really, I am fine with this part, the moving away, it’s time now to spread my personal wings.  It’s the uncertainty of moving to no income, no tangible way to support myself, and being reliant on strangers to help us out that makes the security fear rear its ugly head.  I always want to have some plan in place and I don’t think that will happen until I am actually in Panama.

I’ve been supported emotionally in this, it’s all me that balks.  So I am looking deeper into myself, working on on loosening the tight grip on this desire for security I have had since childhood.  My childhood was just one big mess of insecurity and what did I do when I got older?  I grabbed the most secure thing I could find and stuck to it.  I married the guy who chased me.  No matter what came up, I plowed through it and stayed.  He is not one to rock the boat, works all the time and won’t ever be the one to say goodbye.  I had kids who needed both of us so that held me tight for a long time but that is no longer true.  However, inside me?  I am feeling like a horse fenced in a pasture.  I can see the vista around me but feel unable to get to it.  I have limited boundaries.  Boundaries I have put up myself.  I can jump that fence and run but don’t. 

So, while one part of me wants to run free, the other says, Nooooo how will you house and feed yourself?  One part wants to do what I want, when I want, on my own (non)schedule, and the other part says, Well if you do that, you will have no money coming in and that will be no fun either!  My mind keeps throwing up obstacles so I don’t make that final decision to move!  What part will overcome?  So far, as you can tell, it’s the security-seeker who has kept the reins.  I highly doubt that will last but security is fighting for her life. 

I admire the courage of those who one day say, enough, it’s my turn now, and change their lives completely.  Soon it’ll be my turn. 

 

  

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