I Lost Her at 12

It seems this has been a month for self evaluations and clearings, but not only for me.  As I read other messages articles from other writers, I understand that it is world-wide and individual-wide.  I didn’t realise that it was to occur this month.  Whether the individuals pay attention is another matter altogether though, isn’t it?

Last week I talked about my dream of dogs in cages and the meaning of the symbols.  And so the reveals keep coming to me, last night in the form of one of my message dreams.  Apparently I needed reinforcement about the fun, the child-like enjoyment I have been missing in this life.  In the dream I took my daughter, who was an adolescent, to a mall.  We walked around and decided to go in this really big store and as we stood outside it looking in, I realised it was a toy store.  My daughter was thrilled!

We went in and walked by a huge slide where kids were having great fun but it cost 11.99 (?!) to use.  I thought no, that’s expensive!  Further on was an interactive display area of Legos.  Well, we like Legos and there were some really cool things already made and other people were having fun putting together some more so we stopped and played there for awhile.

When we moved on, my daughter saw some friends a distance away and I let her go say hi to them.  A few minutes later, I realised I couldn’t see her anymore.  I started to get worried when I couldn’t find her and ran around looking for her in the crowds.  Finally I went to the store workers to ask for help.  I remember telling them how she saw these friends that she went to camp with when she was twelve so she wanted to go talk to them.  I was crying and so sad that I had lost my daughter.  Where was she??

I woke up sad.  My chest felt heavy.  I laid there thinking about this.  Age twelve is the year I was adopted.  Twelve is the year I was thrown into a horrific six-year immersion of alcoholism and abuse.   Twelve is the year hormones flared up and I got my period.  Twelve is pivotal in an adolescent’s growth.

No wonder I left it all behind.  I left the fun, a child’s enjoyment of life behind then.  I wonder if that’s true of most of us in some way?  I watched my grandson do this two years ago when he turned twelve, the year during which his family broke up.

This needs to percolate some more before I can truly say it is cleared out but I understand and am quite aware of how I have lived for the most part.  Not to say that I didn’t have fun, but there was a voice in me telling me I didn’t deserve or shouldn’t be doing it.  I should be doing something else, like working.  That’s a strong voice in there who has less control over me than it did, but it’s still there apparently.

Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever get all the clearing done?  Round and round the spiral we go, touching spots we thought we had cleared before so we can do some more clean-up.

Fun!  Life is not so serious, it’s an illusion, a game, so why not lighten up?  Everytime I think of Fun, I think of those little doggies in my last dream jumping up and down, leaping and running, saying Fun! Fun!  Gotta get me some….

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4 responses

  1. Honestly? No, I don’t think so. I just hope to make my peace with what’s happened in my life until now. There’s a lot of lives been led and a lot of trauma to be released. But i’m told by my team there is a point at which is has to stop because of what the next stage is. Although I’ll believe it when I see it! Love to you, Sue

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  2. I hadn’t thought about mediating, yes I’m wondering as well what went on. great idea will try to give it a go…..I’m currently reading your post link Kryon Perceptions of Masterhood. very interesting. xx

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  3. Such an interesting dream you had and as you say all seemed relevant to having fun. I wander if paying the 11.99 had a significant meaning?
    I’m so over doing all this releasing, I’ve done so much of it over the past year or two that I cringe when we are told there may be some more lol But I do notice with each stage it has become easier, and I have embraced the little girl that I neglected….that’s an amazing feeling too. I recently found out that as a baby I had meningitis and was in a coma, the illness I was told about some years ago from my aunt. but the coma was new to me. Knowing this has altered my whole perspective on my inner child and I feel so much more love for her. Would I still be protecting her by wanting nothing more than to comfort and love, embracing her existence and thus allowing her to shine? This awareness of not only releasing but also forgiving has been quite a journey has’nt it?
    have a great weekend love to you xx

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    • Yeah I wondered about the 11.99 myself. I plan to ask Lisa what she gets from it. And me too, lol, I am so over all the releasing!! Keep thinking okay, now am I done? It feels like….then bam, nope here comes another round.
      How interesting about your baby self and coma. Wonder what went on during that time? Have you tried a meditation with that baby and asked what she learned or experienced during it? What did you gain from it or carry with you in life afterwards?

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