It seems this has been a month for self evaluations and clearings, but not only for me. As I read other messages articles from other writers, I understand that it is world-wide and individual-wide. I didn’t realise that it was to occur this month. Whether the individuals pay attention is another matter altogether though, isn’t it?
Last week I talked about my dream of dogs in cages and the meaning of the symbols. And so the reveals keep coming to me, last night in the form of one of my message dreams. Apparently I needed reinforcement about the fun, the child-like enjoyment I have been missing in this life. In the dream I took my daughter, who was an adolescent, to a mall. We walked around and decided to go in this really big store and as we stood outside it looking in, I realised it was a toy store. My daughter was thrilled!
We went in and walked by a huge slide where kids were having great fun but it cost 11.99 (?!) to use. I thought no, that’s expensive! Further on was an interactive display area of Legos. Well, we like Legos and there were some really cool things already made and other people were having fun putting together some more so we stopped and played there for awhile.
When we moved on, my daughter saw some friends a distance away and I let her go say hi to them. A few minutes later, I realised I couldn’t see her anymore. I started to get worried when I couldn’t find her and ran around looking for her in the crowds. Finally I went to the store workers to ask for help. I remember telling them how she saw these friends that she went to camp with when she was twelve so she wanted to go talk to them. I was crying and so sad that I had lost my daughter. Where was she??
I woke up sad. My chest felt heavy. I laid there thinking about this. Age twelve is the year I was adopted. Twelve is the year I was thrown into a horrific six-year immersion of alcoholism and abuse. Twelve is the year hormones flared up and I got my period. Twelve is pivotal in an adolescent’s growth.
No wonder I left it all behind. I left the fun, a child’s enjoyment of life behind then. I wonder if that’s true of most of us in some way? I watched my grandson do this two years ago when he turned twelve, the year during which his family broke up.
This needs to percolate some more before I can truly say it is cleared out but I understand and am quite aware of how I have lived for the most part. Not to say that I didn’t have fun, but there was a voice in me telling me I didn’t deserve or shouldn’t be doing it. I should be doing something else, like working. That’s a strong voice in there who has less control over me than it did, but it’s still there apparently.
Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever get all the clearing done? Round and round the spiral we go, touching spots we thought we had cleared before so we can do some more clean-up.
Fun! Life is not so serious, it’s an illusion, a game, so why not lighten up? Everytime I think of Fun, I think of those little doggies in my last dream jumping up and down, leaping and running, saying Fun! Fun! Gotta get me some….