Over the last several days I have been doing some intense inner work, following a thread which unexpectedly found the planting of the seed of my core emotion/wound. I keep having symptoms of pain in my right side, it comes and goes and I have been told many times that it’s not physical. Lisa told me, almost in tears herself, that there was an incredible amount of sadness stored there.
In meditation, I asked where is this coming from and in an instant, a memory came to me of my birth father saying to my birth mother, “get rid of it or I will” when he found out she was pregnant. He didn’t want me. I was unwanted. With that awareness came the realisation that this is totally connected to my core wound: “I don’t matter to those who matter to me” or simply, ” I don’t matter.” My Being growing in that womb heard those words.
When I pulled him into my meditation, I asked him why he did that? In an act of love, he was there to plant the seed for this lifetime, the seed of not mattering so that I could explore this wound and find my way back to loving myself completely. We agreed to this before incarnating and he loves me so much that he stepped up to do this for me. I felt myself well up with love and tears as this came to me.
This seed grew over the years. It had a lot of water and fertiliser and did very well.
My brother and I ran frequently loose in a big city as 5 and 6 year olds. We ended up in foster homes with a charge of neglect for my mother. My foster home was not pleasant, and my foster mother abused me regularly. It seemed I didn’t matter, only the money she got for keeping me.
My adoptive family was good at providing material things but the emotional side was sorely lacking. My parents worked 6 and 7 days a week and when they were home, well, more abuse occurred. I was not a priority there, only my father mattered. The rest of the family was not warm or inclusive either, except my one brother.
Friends broke my heart often over the years. Saying one thing, doing another. I invested too much I think, and they ran from it. I felt “invisible” at school and I remember telling that to someone. I was unnoticed and no one cared anyhow.
Gradually I stopped expecting anyone to really care about me. Even the man I married. Where once we were close, after several years he was gone all the time working and rarely took the time to be part of our family. I felt left out of lots of fun things, let down and betrayed by family and friends over and over. The list would be huge if I wrote everything down that I cried over.
Along the way, I built walls so that no one could love me. I could love them but I wasn’t letting anyone in who might hurt me again. It was easy to love others and difficult to accept it given to me so I turned it aside.
I don’t matter has a long, deep root.
But I didn’t realise that was what I was continually creating in my life.
I am happy to report that I no longer feel this way. Life is much different for me now. I have explored my life and emotions with meditations and cried and cleared and cried and cleared with each level of exploration over the last ten years. I had lots of guidance from spirit and mentoring from humans to get here. And a major desire to heal and move out of this abyss.
It has been a very long and winding road to find my way back to the real Me. Finding the seed of this wound this week was an epiphany.
During this session I also realised that I have judged the masculine quite harshly in this particular lifetime. I like individuals but on the whole, men have not been my favorite people to be around. I have not seen too many shining examples of manhood, at least in my unaware eyes. I apologised to my birth father in spirit for this judgement, and he hugged me and said, “You were being human.” It was alright, no judgement on his part, and of course, he loves me unconditionally. In the meditation I saw other aspects, other lives I lived as masculine, past male family members, male friends, and past spouses. They came to me to offer me masculine support and love. Tears flowed.
My next step now is to be love, unconditionally, the divine masculine. It is a part of me (a part of the All!), and I reject me if I reject the masculine aspect of the human or spirit. I need to watch carefully what I think and what I say so that I can correct the disdain and judgements that have come out in the past. I need to be aware of my thoughts.
I have to say, this exploration was powerful. It certainly did not go where I thought it might but I am glad it did. I learned a lot.