Unseen

Guess what?  Here I am writing how all is feeling good in a previous post and what happens?  After I got up and got moving for my day today, there was a cascading series of events that sent me down a path of “crap”, then to well, that sucked, and finally, I suck.  Talk about some stuff coming up!!

I was a few minutes late leaving for my appointment this morning but not bad.  I would have been on time with about five minutes to spare.  Then I get in the car and remembered that my gas gauge is going wonky and I didn’t know how much gas was in there for sure, so I knew I should put a few dollars in since I had to leave town and didn’t want to get stranded on the highway.  Next, because I don’t have a debit card and gas stations here don’t take checks, I had to go to the bank to get cash.  Sigh.  Already now I am really pushing the time limit but the bank usually gets you in and out fairly quickly on Saturday mornings.  No one was in line when I drove up and I sent my check inside and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  No one acknowledged me and I could see the worker standing in the window doing something.  I waited ten minutes and really wanted to just leave because I was so late by then.  I could feel me getting more and more ticked off and I felt like I had to stay there since they had my two checks hostage in there!  Another five minutes and finally she waits on me, incredibly slowly.  So now I am fifteen minutes late.  While she took her time I called where I had the appointment to let her know I was late and to see if I could still come or would need to reschedule.  They answered and immediately put me on hold.  Really?!  After five minutes of that, my cash came back, I hung up and drove off.

I still needed gas.  I go across the street, run in, pay, get a little gas and call the place again to see if they will talk to me this time.  Now I am twenty minutes late.  I get on the highway and they answer with, Hello, this is…., can I put you on hold?  NO!!  I think I shocked them.  She passed me off to someone else and I said who I was and they told me I didn’t have an appointment.  Ummm what?  My card said this date!  Which I didn’t have in front of me to verify but they said no, I don’t.  By that time I was so out of sorts, I said I will have to call back to reschedule and hung up.  I’m sure I was not coming across very pleasantly.  I’m on the highway, not supposed to be on the phone at all (no driving while on your cell here), and this was the end of a stressful 25 minutes though it felt like an hour, and I didn’t need to be doing this in the first place?  I got off the highway on the next exit and went to the P.O. to mail a lightweight package.  I had thought it would be about 5 dollars.  No, it was ten!  What?  How can a small, weighs-less-than-nothing package with a plastic hummingbird feeder wrapped in a towel in it cost so much??  I think it cost more to mail than to buy what was there!  Then I came back home where I found and checked the appointment card.  Sigh.  I was wrong, it was the 19th, not the 12th.  I looked at it while on the road this week and that’s what I thought it said.  All this for nothing?

So now I feel rotten that I was abrupt with the receptionist. Though she did put me on hold and forget me the first time and tried to do the same the second time, I could have been kinder.  Not yet in the right frame of mind to call back, I resolved to apologize when I go the next week.

All those incidents came in a very short space of time and I did not handle the pile up well!  I am never happy when I screw up like that and then to find out they didn’t even need to happen was disconcerting.  I can’t change what happened however, I can take responsibility for my actions.

After pondering, I did figure out why this happened “for” me and not “to” me.  I felt unseen and ignored at the bank, an old trigger of mine related to my core wound, and that started the downward spiral.  Then it was compounded by the receptionist leaving me on hold for so long.  Ultimately I felt stupid for mistaking the date, and unkind for reacting the way I did.  Another layer of this wound revealed itself quite clearly today.

Now here’s the old me peeking out, the one who is all judge-y and mean to me when she tells me I’m stupid and incompetent and unkind and no one cares anyhow.  She is not allowed to run my life anymore so I am sending her love and hugs and letting her know she does matter.  Also, the fall I took this week on the ignored snow and ice speaks to that same wound of I don’t matter.   Well, that’s a blatant lie I told myself for way too long.  I do matter and sometimes I forget to give that to myself.  No one else has to do it.  Not the bank, not the receptionist.  Only me.

Ever a work in progress.  Do you suppose we will ever clear all this gunk inside?

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