I shared this on Eloheim’s Facebook page and wanted to do the same here.
“You’re going to do what you want anyways, so do it. Just do it.”
Those were the words spoken to me by my husband last night as I discussed this trip to Panama with him. Less than enthusiastic, supportive or encouraging and not at all happy, he cut me off when I asked him to tell me what he was thinking or if he had questions so we could talk about it. Typical reactions. I get fed the guilt trip often because I like to do things he does not. Only this time, I refused to take that trip. I don’t feel guilty and I’m not obsessing over how he feels. I don’t know how to get through to him so I do the best I can. The rest is his choice. Missy Centered is in the house. Once again, Eloheim’s tools keep me on track.
Below is what Veronica shared after my first post and it so hits home for me. It totally describes how our relationship has been for the last 30 years, the first 9 being pretty good before we moved back east. Now I’m done leaving myself behind. And this is exactly why Eloheim’s teachings mean so much to me, why they resonate so strongly in my heart and while reading or hearing them, I find myself going, yes!! Exactly!! I wish these understandings for everyone for everyone else, too! I definitely wish my husband could find his way to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Birth of The Council, Vol. 2 ~ 8-26-2009 (Veronica Torres)
Order here: http://amzn.to/TipUfC
And if you’re in relationships that you can’t feel like you can be your complete self in, you really have to look at that. And, of course, by being your complete self we mean do you have to lie? And not just tell falsehoods. But lie about how you are presenting yourself in this situation. Do you have to cheat yourself? Do you have to cheat them out of who you are in order to feel like they’ll put up with you? Are you giving away something of you in order to get something from them? And by giving away we mean leaving behind. Are you leaving who you are behind in order to get something from another person? We’ve said before, you typically get into relationships to have your fears fixed. What about you do you have to abandon in order to get that person to fix your fears? And wouldn’t it be more interesting to show up as your complete self and fix your fears yourself? That’s really the nuts-and-bolts of this thing. What are you leaving behind? And are you willing to let it be left? What are you leaving behind and are you willing to let it be left there?
Let’s just say it this way. If you could never get it back, would you do it? Is the payoff that good? That part of you that—let’s just pick something crazy—is very passionate about classical music and your partner thinks it’s just rubbish. And you say, “OK, well, I’ll never speak about classical music and I’ll never listen to it while I’m in this partnership, because he thinks it’s rubbish and if I spend any money on it he gives me grief, and if I have it in my car he’ll see it and he might get upset.” And we’re picking kind of an extreme example, but we’ve got to pick one. You’ve got this person who’s saying, “That’s not an acceptable part of you.” So you say, “OK, well, maybe it’s not that important to me.” What if you could never get it back? What if it was off the list forever? Would you leave it behind in order to get what you’re getting from that person? We came up with that extreme example because that’s actually what you do. Someone said to Veronica once, “It’s so interesting when you break up with someone because you get back the parts of you that you left behind or you get back parts of you that you forgot about. It’s just being recollected right now.”
Let’s go back to our example. You’re in a partnership with someone who can’t stand classical music, OK, great. You can make an agreement. “Fine, I won’t play classical music when you’re around but I’m not leaving it behind. If I have it in my car, if I spend some money on it, none of your business. That’s for me. I’m not going to cut off my left arm just because you don’t happen to think I need that arm. I happen to like that arm so I’m going to keep it.” It’s obvious when we use an example like that, but if it’s an example like, “I like to talk about my feelings,” or “I like to meditate,” or “I like to go see Eloheim on Wednesday nights,” or, or, or. Or subtle things, “I like to have a weekend with the girls twice a year. I want to go on a vacation by myself. I want to tell you how I feel about your behavior.” Or just, “I want to talk to you. I just want to talk to you. I want you to know who I am and I want to know who you are.”
And “Maybe it’s not all that interesting to you what I’ve got going on, but can you be interested in my interest? Can my delight over the fact that the new classical CD arrived be enough to pleasure you that I’m pleasured and you don’t have to listen to it with me but you can be happy that I have it? You can be happy that I’m happy.” That’s all.
And if your partner has something he likes to do—go watch the monster trucks or something that you have absolutely no interest in, you’re like, “He really likes to go watch the monster trucks”—well, you buy him a monster truck T-shirt to wear. And it can be completely ridiculous to you but his love of it can be the love you feel for him. “I love the fact that you love it,” is enough. “I love the fact that you love it. I love the fact that it really gets you going. I love the fact that you get your male companions together and you guys go monster truck–out. Here’s a cooler. I made you guys some sandwiches. Go monster truck yourself crazy. And when you come home I may not want to hear every story about it but I can probably handle hearing a couple because your excitement about it is contagious.” It doesn’t mean you have to like monster trucks to like him liking monster trucks.
That’s where there’s this strong desire for everybody to be the same all the time. “I need you to be like me so I feel safe around you, so that I feel that my opinions are right. You need to agree with me so that I feel safe having a judgment.” Remember we talked about judgments and preferences? A lot of times you want people to be like you so that your judgments feel safe to you. If it’s about preferences then you don’t need the person to be the same as you. They can be themselves. And you can say, “It’s not my preference to go monster trucking with you but I’m so excited that you’re happy. How can I make it easier for you? What would make it fun for you? Would you like me to make some sandwiches? Would you like me to get you something fun to wear?” Whatever. You participate in their excitement, not in the information. Do you understand that difference? This is what you can do with your friends. They have a hobby you’re not into but you can be happy about they’re having a hobby without it becoming your hobby. And it doesn’t mean you’re less close. It doesn’t take away from their interest. It’s like, “Oh, great! That’s exciting!”
I am learning to abide in the discomfort of standing true for what I want. The above section that Veronica posted resonates so much with me. I support him in what he wants to do, if he wants to do it. He likes to do demolition derbies, I don’t like watching them; he likes to do flea markets, I don’t care to spend hours there and am over the “buying” things desire; he likes to go fishing as his vacation, I am bored to tears; he loves to watch bloody, violent shows and I don’t. However, I totally support his doing all of them. Have fun! Me? I’ll just go do what feels good to me instead.
He is not happy if and when it involves me going off on my own like this trip to Panama. I suspect underneath he is in fear of the unknown. He cannot control what I do or where I go, and so he will do what he can to prevent it, usually passive aggressive stuff. He puts up this wall and wears a stone face that is really unpleasant to be around. But I am done letting it change my mind or affect who I am. I am done with leaving me behind so he is happy. A trip I took several years ago across country was the first time I did ever something so major like that on my own, then the Retreat this past August/September. Now this trip comes up. Well, get used to it buddy, it’s not going to stop! LOL! Or we can stop living together- which may happen anyhow. I kind of started to go there last night and he immediately stopped me. Guess he’s not ready to discuss crossing that bridge.
See me, support me, be happy for me, and love me for me, not for who you want me to be. That’s what I want. And deserve.