Days of Contemplation

It’s been a weekend of too much going on inside me.  I so want to be done with all this emotional releasing and be happy and high vibrational all the time.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family.  My in-laws usually leave for Florida in the Fall due to my father-in-law’s intolerance to the cold so they schedule the holiday get-together early.  We normally only see these people two or three times a year anymore.  When all the grandkids were little, and there were 9 all born within 8 years, it was chaos!  Now that the grandkids are grown and we have fewer kids – ie great grands (my grandkids) – running around, it is quieter and more companionable during these meals.

Now, I love these people.  And they love me.  However.  Being with them for very long makes me remember how very little we have in common.  Our beliefs, our ways of speaking and acting are all polar opposites.  One of the sisters who is two years younger than me speaks so unkindly about and to her younger sister.  It pains me to hear her call her sister “ugly” and she does it all the time with a laugh.  “Hey Ugly, come here”, she says.  The younger sister laughs it off but I’m sure it wounds.  The older one has been gently called on it by me and my daughter more than once but it makes no difference, she has done this their whole life.  It is so unkind and I just wish she would stop.  Most of the rest each have their own things they say or do that are quite low in vibration and sometimes the conversations at the table amaze me.  Judgements, laughing put-downs and criticisms fly.  I cringe, a lot.  I do not fit in with their beliefs so I pretty much stay quiet, it does no good to speak up.  I feel like I am from a different planet and I am so uncomfortable that after awhile I can’t wait to leave.

So much easier to love them from a distance lol.

Today has been a day of quiet inner contemplation while doing laundry and baking and cooking.  So much has come to the surface this week that I am trying to work through.  Sometimes it feels like the wounds and releasing are never ending and I am so far away from clearing all that needs to be cleared that I could get very discouraged.  I think I am doing good and then boom, another facet of something I thought I had dealt with already comes to the surface to bite me again.  I am so tired of tears hanging out on the edge of my emotions when that happens, threatening to erupt at any moment if I think too much about it.

I slept long last night and today, I am still really tired.  Had the weirdest dreams last night too, again of kids and cars and not being able to find my car in a parking lot and how to get to where I am supposed to go on time.  I hope those are just release dreams, work I’m doing while sleeping.  Of course, I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in my life, so….the dream is fitting I guess, lol.





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